She rubbed her neck.
"You seem worried," Fanrach said, eventhough he knew why. "Is there something wrong?"
Urnyras Jael did not reply.
It was very recent that she met that man, but she was already convinced that they somehow had a strong communication between them. He was extremely charming, good-looking and intelligent; a perfect soldier, an artist.
Urnyras Jael was not as strict as she would be towards this man anymore. He was more than an ordinary fylla, an ordinary soldier. She considered her situation to be pathetic, was she somehow falling for him?
She was amongst the people who thought nothing would and will last forever. She despised emotional commitment, for how she has seen where the ultimate commitment she had brought her to. She was avoiding revealing anything. Fanrach was a distant possibility.
Yet of course, she never revealed it. She never admitted it to herself.
...
That night was one of the nights after Pythe ordered Intelligence Corps to establish themselves back in Nin Rivien with the Ranger Division. Fanrach was off-duty, and Urnyras Jael eventually found herself with his company above the outpost. She took out a weed roll, properly making it ready.
"Is that Alaìs Weed? I'd recognize the smell from the depths of Lake Hente," Fanrach said.
Urnyras Jael lifted her head, peered at Fanrach for a few seconds, then smiled weakly.
"Yes, Alaìs," she approved. "Directly from the Northfields."
She finished rolling the paper. She lifted her finger and lit the weed, mumbling a chant*.
Time passed very quick.
...
She woke up in her tent, naked; with Fanrach lying next to her - naked. She was not fully sober yet, but she was more aware of herself and her surroundings. Waking up at the tent did not make sense at the beginning, but in a few seconds she remembered all: the moment she got high, the moment they walked back to the tent and the entire experience they have had, to the fullest; she remembered. It was beautiful. She smiled, just like a violet growing among gray-yellow barren grass. She realized that smiling was something her facial muscles did not perform for years now. She smiled bigger.
She lied down back, slowly reaching up for sleeping Fanrach. She slowly carrassed his hair. He moved, but did not wake up. Then she realized the marks he had on his body; the marks of war. Slashes, blade wounds, fence wounds, presumably arrow wounds and more blade wounds.
'He is either older than he looks,' she thought dreamily, 'or he is just too young with an old soul.'
...
Next couple of days were rather unexpectedly distant. She did not talk much to him and he did not seem to be so interested in talking with her. 'He is either aware of our formal hierarchy out of bed,' she thought, 'Or he is not interested in me at all.' The second possibility was a bit heartbreaking, but she was ready for both.
Nothing happened in the upcoming days, either in terms of privacy or battle. They were mobilized and moving fast, they were almost in Ghaow now. They stopped after a while, to meet up with the Ranger Division. Eoria found them shortly after they arrived at the region.
"Anything?" she asked to Urnyras Jael, with curious eyes. "What of the onthox movement?"
"Nothing happened," Urnyras Jael replied, in thoughts. "The onthox are moving slow, and there are no cities or towns in between for them to ruin on their way. Eventually they will be caught in front of Ghaow. I suspect the Empire Armies are a bit behind, though."
"I see you are a bit thoughtful," said Eoria, raising an eyebrow. "Is everything alright?"
"Oh, yes, a bit of tiredom," Urnyras Jael smiled. "Let me rest a bit and I will be much better."
Eoria was surprised to see Jael smiling.
"Well, fine," Eoria said, with a bit of a hesitation. "Go rest. There will be scouting mission tomorrow, I want you to lead it."
"Consider it done," said Urnyras Jael. "Now if you excuse me..."
Her mind was constantly on Fanrach now. Every minute passing, she was realizing how grand her feelings were becoming, and how her mind was flinched; how it was focused on him and him only. She felt utterly disturbed by this after a while, she was not used to it. She was not used to having her mind on something and not being able to change her object of focus. She was failing in it, probably for the first time in her life. As she was walking back to her newly-set tent, she saw him. He was waiting for her in front of the tent. He was expressionless.
"Good evening, my Lady," he said, bowing his head.
"Good evening, Fanrach," she replied, trying to keep her calm.
"Can we talk?" he asked.
"Sure, come inside," she smiled.
They got inside the tent. It was quite dark inside, with a bunch of almost burnt-out candles hanging from the wooden supports. Urnyras Jael dropped her daggers on the table, then she sat on the bed's edge and started watching Fanrach.
"We can't do this," Fanrach said straightforwardly. "I can't be this way. I can't let it happen."
"Can't do what?" said Urnyras Jael, somehow pretending to look and sound surprised.
"I am not the one you wish to be with," he said, rather desperately; with a soft tone. "I already have a mate, back home. I love him. I can't do this."
These words were as if someone was stabbing her. She stood up quickly, walked towards Fanrach and wanted to say something, but instead, she made a growling sound.
"How dare you!" she glared. "How dare you speak these words with me, with your Commander? Who do you think you are? Begone, or I swear to Gosto He'uch I will squeeze your body liquids out!"
Fanrach left, bowing his head.
Urnyras Jael could not stop crying for the rest of the day. She did not leave her tent.
...
She barely slept. She was up and ready for the scouting mission Eoria told her about by the dawn. She wiped away the last of her tears and got out of the tent. She was still furious. Still disappointed. Still hurt. That was making her less emotional than she normally is - and that was a drastic decrease. She felt like an ice block, impossible to break.
"Intelligence Corps to be ready in ten minutes," she ordered. "The ones to arrive at the grounds at eleventh minute will be punished."
Two of the privates, just because one of them was very sick and the other trying to help him, was a bit late; and they were both punished to a day-long duty mission in the frontier. Urnyras Jael prohibited medical care for the sick one.
"Are you insane?" said Eoria. "What the hell are you doing? What's gotten into you, woman, you are acting evil!"
"Do not interfere with my methods of establishing authority, Eoria," she said.
"Oh yes, I will!" Eoria smashed her hand on one of the trees nearby. "Whatever makes you furious, you better get a hold of it - or I swear to Gosto the relocation petition and the documents for your demotion will be on their way to N'ya, you better keep that in your bloody sick mind!"
"Fine," she said. "Whatever. Bring the sick one back. But the other one remains right where he is."
"You are pathetic," said Eoria, and left with fast steps back towards her tent. She stopped for a moment. "Oh, and," she said with her back turned to Urnyras Jael. "You better not kill your own men, that is just a scouting mission. Don't get too excited."
...
Fanrach was there. In her mind, always, all the time. She was fully grasped by the obsession of a desperate lover who cannot reach the loved one; she was suffering badly. She was leading a squad of ten men, including Fanrach himself. She sometimes gazed at him secretly, and could see the worried expression on his face. She could easily gut him. So easily.
"Assemble yourselves," said Urnyras Jael eventually. "Lieutenant, take the path over there, let's see if there is any movem-"
"Kakhnora!*" yelled someone within the woods, followed by an onthox ambush.
The battle was fierce. Out of ten men, only Urnyras Jael, Fanrach and a private named Gheas survived. The onthox were somehow repelled. They went back to camp shortly after, for the news of failure - and apparently an onthox presence about.
"How- what," said Eoria, trying to find the right questions. "You are a bloody assassin, a tracker, who is supposed to smell them from one thousand felios* away!" Eoria wasn't shouting anymore, she was roaring.
Urnyras Jael had nothing to say. She was not even focused on the task at hand, but at her lieutenant.
"It was unexpected," she said. "I know I could do better, but we did every-"
"Shut up," Eoria said, calmly. "Shut up. You are demoted. I cannot let you lead the most elite squad of N'ya with such a state of mind. You cannot even focus. I am not even sorry for doing that, I have to add."
"You can't-" said Urnyras Jael.
"I already did," said Eoria. "You do not talk, you do not let anyone help you, and most importantly - you do not let me help you out of whatever you are in. For the sake of our survival you can't be in a leading position anymore. Inform Rudhor Gamlach that he will be the Commander for Intelligence Division at least for a while. I'm done with this, Jael."
As he got out of Eoria's tent with almost unleashed tears in her eyes, Fanrach was watching her.
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