2010.

I was searching for a word to define what this year has been for me. Whenever I think about it, I am really having a hard time to come up with one single word covering all months. Yet I suppose, the two most outstanding feelings I have felt during this year would be love and stress.

Let's see what I have been doing since the beginning of this year:

• The first moments of this year, I was studying Inheritance Law. At 00:00, we toasted Jack Daniel's. Then I went back to studying (I got an A- from IL, so it was worth it).
• January was rather dull, since the beginning was mostly about finals. After finals, I was in Izmit. No biggy.
• February was mostly about MUNTR 2010 preparations, we have visited the hotel and all. Adaptation to the new and the final semester of my LL.B. life.
• March 1 -5, MUNTR 2010. This was the first time I have seen my face dehydrating. Red dots. An average of 2 hours of sleep every day. Approximately 23 kilometers of walking in 5 days. Exhaustion, sickness. Fun anyway. At the end of March, Fotini called me to meet up in Istanbul.
• April, Fotini came back into my life as my girlfriend after our reunion on April 3, 2010. We consider April 5 to be our anniversary. Midterms.
• May. Final exams start and final days emerge in Bilkent. Fotini arrives in Ankara by the end of the month. One word: Stress. Interviews. Job applications. Blegh.
• June. Fotini was in Turkey and we spent most of our time in Ankara and Değirmendere. I get accepted into White & Case Ankara.
• July. "Flashlights Beneath the Dust", July 1-5. Fotini leaves on July 5th, 2010 for Paris. July 21, 2010: I leave for Sweden.
• August. Sweden until August 14. Probably my best trip abroad. Perfect month. On my way back, I immediately return to Ankara and pack up to move to another place closer to work in Aziziye, Çankaya. Fotini moves to Brussels to study in ULB.
• September, internship starts. Fotini visits me again for two weeks. Adaptation process, realizations of student life being over. Short-term depression, sense of solitude, plenty of stress. Official internship at the Courthouse starts on September 20, to last a full year.
• October. Nothing significant.
• November, Fotini visits me back. Probably the best month of the year along with August. My first visit to Brussels. Nonetheless the best 10 days of the year. Lots of Duvel and many many others. Now I have a home in Brussels.
• December... World of Warcraft: Cataclysm is released. I have learned that two of my best friends are leaving for Europe in January.
• Today is December 30, 2010. It has been a radical year.
• Ankara has proven me right again about how significant it is in my life, and how it will simply go on even if I leave it one day.

Fun times. Fun year.

shame.

I am full of shame. I really didn't want to pay much attention to the title.

I will tell you who I think I am. I consider myself to be a strong person who managed to tackle many, many past dealings in my life; sharp cuts, rip offs, death, solitude, selfishness and devilry in almost any period of my life. However, I suppose these facts are the most outstanding realities of life. Things pretty much anyone can come across with at any time of their lives. What makes me strong, or at least what makes me consider myself strong does not reason from the things I have seen, but the perception I managed to stabilize against these things.

I will shortly tell you how I managed to get over things so far.

Beyond anything, I am a perfect avoider. As lame as it sounds, I am a master of avoidance. I suppose this is a genial heritage from my beloved mother, who is a perfect artist of trouble-pruning; at least on the surface. She has many masks that she can cover her sorrow, despair and anger, and she can act very well that things are actually fine.

I moved it a step further. As dramatic as I used to be a couple of years ago, I have always lived according to one code: neutrality and moderation. Whatever I have encountered, my biggest pride was to be able to nullify the disadvantages of a disastrous situation and diminish it to its advantages and utilize from them. Every deal in my life, every incident I have lived eventually turns out to be experiences. I distill events into abstract experiences waiting to be formalized in future events of the same type.

Troubles have been always welcomed by me, because many of them failed to wound me deeply - but supplied me great deals of experience and 'lessons of life'. I rarely repeated my mistakes and my immunity system was rarely breached by a similar future incident.

Let me examplify:

I failed the freshman year of Law School. 2006 summer was quite apocalyptic for me and my family for that reason; however I somehow managed to get things back together despite all the despair I've experienced and I've had my family to experience. The next four years in College were almost flawless, with no failed lessons and a much much more higher cumulative average than I would have achieved if I actually passed my first freshman year. In conclusion, my failure turned out to be an advantage, and my trouble was eventually my happiness and justification of a better success.

It has always been this way. Being encouraged by my former failures, I eventually learned not to let my guard down against unfortunate incidents and I have built up a solid immunity system to protect me from what troubled me; for I knew that any failure would eventually turn out to be of my advantage. I have never lost my cool, my resolve and my reasoning; even momentarily. Never.

Though, now I realize that, most of those events were lacking some certain ingredient: enough emotions. I am in a specific situation that I am dealing with for the past months. It has been a period when I have felt immense lust, an unexplainably big love and a devout sense of commitment. When these feelings direct towards one single object, you realize that reasoning can be easily overwhelmed, and the real challenge is to be able to handle situations of such.

Unfortunately, I have recently learned what it means to momentarily lose control. I have never lost control, and I have always considered it to be a lousy weakness. Recklessness was a sin for me, so was the sense of vengeance, the sense of hatred. I have never really hated anything.

Imagine these feelings in a scheme:

It's a simple equation, actually. You feel love towards something. It leads to intensity, and intensity leads to jealousy and to an awkward sense of vengeance with the interference of third parties. Jealousy, if you actually are not proud of being jealous, leads to regret; but nonetheless it leads to recklessness. Recklessness, along with intensity, boosts your sense of vengeance and more vengeance leads to more recklessness - eventually leading to regret. All in all, from an emotional perspective, the direct connection between you to that 'something' in terms of love, intensity and jealousy have these inner connections. Love, intensity and jealousy being one side of the medallion - it only hints you how the other side of the medallion is.

This equation applies to the entire process of many people. In my case, it erupts in certain moments, in a temporary nature. It works like a clock - one pumps another, and starts a domino effect.

It eventually soothes down, but this scheme above is a single-sided scheme. As you can see, it only directs towards the object; however there are other things that might direct from the object to you. Let's illustrate it as follows:

Assuming that the scheme no. 1 doesn't apply to the object in terms of you and that love is mutual, we will have a situation that where the love that the object has towards you leads to patience against your reactions. After a while, patience will lead to empathy, and the object will crave to justify your acts to avoid devastation. Eventually, in case of empathical justification, empathy will lead to tolerance; but the consistency of recklessness might eventually turn into a tiredness and tiredness might turn into a massive annoyance. There, we will have a paradox. Love will continuously pump patience and empathy, whereas your actions will simply drain the tolerance caused by your empathy; so eventually the case will cause both empathy and annoyance being reflected to you - both finding their origins in love. Empathy directs towards something you value, so does annoyance - but their clash will only transmute into ultimate 'fed-up' situation which will tire the object, and you yourself.

I have a curse. I have this stupid urge to make an analytical explanation to everything, including emotions. I have this urge to 'calculate' emotions and I am being strictly criticized because of that. However, I can actually calculate and foresee the reactions of my emotions and I have never had the claim of making an objective, all-applicable calculation for the idea of emotions.

I only talk on my behalf.

These two schemes above are, as natural they are, shameful for me. The intensity makes my head spin and makes me fail.

This is the source of my shame.

However, I'm working on it. I am not an idiot, and I have my own methods dealing with incidents. I forgot to mention - intensity has a direct proportion with your enthusiasm, and my enthusiasm is infinite.

One day, I will stop this equation, rip off these schemes and stare at the clear skyline above from a roof window.

Until then, I will be in my mental laboratory, trying to find a cure for this shame.

This is, all in all, the only shame I've got.

the tale of urnyras jael, part XIV: to orbh city.

"YOU WILL DIE!" screamed Eoria, dashing towards Urnyras Jael while she's lying on the ground. "DIE, SCUM!"

She attempted to hit Urnyras Jael with her blade. Urnyras Jael could merely block the attack before tumbling to her side, breathing heavily. She regained her control and dashed forward, like an agitated panther - counter-attacking without losing time.

Eoria blocked her in the air, jumping backwards and sending her a force blast using Ùrda; Urnyras blocked the blast with her blade but she lost her balance. She was having a hard time hitting Eoria, somehow fearing hurting her. Eoria, however; did not look compassionate, at all.

"SCUM!" she roared again, throwing one of her shortswords to Urnyras. Urnyras started to run towards Eoria and blocking the shortsword moving with a clear expertise, jumping and tumbling towards her and sending her a force blast back. Eoria, caught off-guard, got hit by the blast and flew a few feet back, to hit the wall and fall on the ground. She started to breathe heavily, peering at Urnyras with hatred and purring low.

"You are an illusion," Urnyras Jael said. "Thus I will slay you."

She did not hesitate cutting Eoria's head with a single blow.

...

"It happened again," Urnyras Jael said. "I killed Eoria."

"Still, that was impressive," said Fauran, when Urnyras Jael gathered her consciousness back. "It is... strange that whenever we initiate these anti mind-control practices, your mind picks Eoria as the hardest opponent. You value her. Your most common opponent is always the hardest to kill. Your mind likes challenge."

"I do value her, Master," she nodded. "I fear that one day we might actually encounter in a battle against each other. I fear that I will be too weak to fight her."

"Disciples do not turn against each other easily," Fauran shook his head. "But, no matter what, your training includes to be able to slay the most loved ones when necessary. Hesitation is our biggest enemy, and your loyalty is primarily to the power you wield. You have to remember that."

...

Weeks flew by faster than they thought. After six months of continuous training, all four apprentices of Master Fauran could actually feel the power coursing within their veins and soul, filling every single side of their body; pumping courage, wisdom and force. Eoria, on the other hand, was still as cold as she always was to Gea and Shevach, however it wasn't as bad with Urnyras anymore. Urnyras could swear that she has seen Eoria slightly smiling once, even.

Weirdly enough, there were many times that Urnyras found herself unconsciously trying to make her smile. Everytime she sensed a glimpse of joy in Eoria, she felt it double.

Still, she didn't have much time to focus on her.

...

"Your yearly trials are yet to come," announced Fauran, one morning; when the Disciples were eating at the Halls of Gathering. "You will split in two groups and you will be given an assignment out of the Temple. You are expected to complete your given assignments in the specified time."

"Out of the Temple? Where, Master?" asked Shevach.

"Patience," replied Fauran. "After the Ùrda practice today, you will be given your briefing and your team members."

Shevach nodded. The others didn't react. Fauran left the girls alone with fast steps, out of the Halls.

"Trials," mumbled Urnyras. "I can't believe it has been six months since we came here."

"Well, we were too busy and tired to realize how time flew by," said Eoria.

"That's right, but still - do you feel ready for the Trials yet? I feel like... I don't know anything," said Gea. "I am not sure if I can-"

"Hesitation is our worst enemy, Gea," said Urnyras with an absolute and explicit self-esteem. "If you hesitate your soul, you can't do it anyway. I can handle anything to come. Remember the code, hesitation, temptation, excitem-"

"Oh, come on now," sighed Eoria. "We have one Fauran, we don't need a smaller female version. Let go."

Urnyras raised an eyebrow, but didn't reply.

"How was the mind-control practice?" asked Shevach to others.

"Smooth," said Gea. "I killed my father with no hesitation. It sort of felt... good, you know. I love my father, but it felt like I released a weakness, some unnecessary bond that was enslaving me, oh, I like these practices."

"It was pretty smooth for me too," said Shevach proudly. "I killed my uncle. I still hope I won't have to actually do that ever in my life."

"You?" said Gea rapidly, turning towards Urnyras. Urnyras literally jumped.

"Ha? What?" she could say.

"Mind-control practice. How was it?" Gea asked.

"Ah, good," Urnyras replied, chewing her meal. "I killed my.. um, mother."

Eoria smiled.

"What?" Urnyras turned towards Eoria, somehow nervous.

"Nothing," Eoria replied, shrugging.

"What about yours?" asked Urnyras, challengingly.

"I killed my father," she replied straightforwardly.

Urnyras somehow felt a disappointment deep inside.

Still, she found the fact that she actually wished Eoria to kill her instead of her father a bit awkward.

Eoria smiled.

...

"Why did you lie?" asked Eoria to Urnyras Jael, shortly before the Ùrda training, when they were alone.

"Lie? Why would I lie?" said Urnyras. Her heart started to beat faster with panic and anxiety. "I didn't lie, no."

"Hmm, so why are you in panic all of a sudden, and in a repetitive denial?"

"I'm not-"

"I know who you killed. I am aware of everything," Eoria said.

"But-"

"I know it, because I killed you, not my father."

"You killed me?"

"Yes. You."

Urnyras felt joyful. Most possibly, if she wasn't a fylla but an eila; she'd dance around the Temple, singing.

"So-"

"If you are ready, we shall commence our Ùrda training," Fauran's voice echoed the training grounds. "It will be relatively short today, since you will get your briefings and given half a day to finalize your preparations for departure."

...

Ùrda training lasted only four hours, and Fauran ordered the Disciples to gather at the Halls of Gathering in half an hour before leaving. Shortly before the sunset, the Disciples gathered around Fauran. He was holding four green envelopes.

"Tomorrow, before the noon, you will leave the Temple towards your destinations specified in these letters. You will not open them now, and you will not be told who your companions are. Each of you will leave the Temple seperately towards your directions. Your first objective, aside the ones written in your letters, is to find your companion within the zones specified. You are expected to track and spot your companion. You may have multiple companions, or you might simply be altogether, everything is possible, actually. The routes you will follow are given in your letters. If any of you dare to speak of their routes and/or their destinations, they will be banned from the Temple immediately and deported back to N'ya. So keep your mouths shut."

Urnyras lifted her head and looked at Eoria, only to notice that she was looking back at her; most possibly hoping for the same thing: companionship of one another.

...

Urnyras found a silent, remote corner in the Temple Gardens and ripped open her letter:

Destination: Axed Keg Tavern, Delhraìr, Orbh City

Route: N'ya - Forest of Orbh - Orbh City

Expected Duration of Travel: One Week

Quest: A suspicious activity in this Tavern has been reported.

Disciple is expected to arrive there as soon as possible, after finding her companion(s) in Orbh City, who will be sent there for another task. These tasks will be finished one after another. Initiative will belong to the Disciples' common decision.

We have limited information on this 'suspicious activity', and reports only specify several rituals taking place. We suspect a cultist activity.

Disciple will figure out the actual happening and deliver a detailed report to the Intelligence Corps.

This message shall be annihilated by the authorized officials.

Quest Duration: Two Weeks

She slowly folded the briefing letter.

"Orbh City?" she asked loudly. "Wow, that's..."

"Do not, please, shout your destination once again," said an expressionless voice. "If I was one of the Disciples, you would be on your way home now."

Urnyras blenched, quickly turning back to look who talked. It took a brief moment for her to realize it was Fauran.

"Master," she trembled. "I'm sorry."

He made a dismissive gesture.

"Go get ready, girl," he said. "Yours is a risky, dangerous, yet an adventurous journey."

She slowly bowed her head, and left for her room to get ready.