shame.

I am full of shame. I really didn't want to pay much attention to the title.

I will tell you who I think I am. I consider myself to be a strong person who managed to tackle many, many past dealings in my life; sharp cuts, rip offs, death, solitude, selfishness and devilry in almost any period of my life. However, I suppose these facts are the most outstanding realities of life. Things pretty much anyone can come across with at any time of their lives. What makes me strong, or at least what makes me consider myself strong does not reason from the things I have seen, but the perception I managed to stabilize against these things.

I will shortly tell you how I managed to get over things so far.

Beyond anything, I am a perfect avoider. As lame as it sounds, I am a master of avoidance. I suppose this is a genial heritage from my beloved mother, who is a perfect artist of trouble-pruning; at least on the surface. She has many masks that she can cover her sorrow, despair and anger, and she can act very well that things are actually fine.

I moved it a step further. As dramatic as I used to be a couple of years ago, I have always lived according to one code: neutrality and moderation. Whatever I have encountered, my biggest pride was to be able to nullify the disadvantages of a disastrous situation and diminish it to its advantages and utilize from them. Every deal in my life, every incident I have lived eventually turns out to be experiences. I distill events into abstract experiences waiting to be formalized in future events of the same type.

Troubles have been always welcomed by me, because many of them failed to wound me deeply - but supplied me great deals of experience and 'lessons of life'. I rarely repeated my mistakes and my immunity system was rarely breached by a similar future incident.

Let me examplify:

I failed the freshman year of Law School. 2006 summer was quite apocalyptic for me and my family for that reason; however I somehow managed to get things back together despite all the despair I've experienced and I've had my family to experience. The next four years in College were almost flawless, with no failed lessons and a much much more higher cumulative average than I would have achieved if I actually passed my first freshman year. In conclusion, my failure turned out to be an advantage, and my trouble was eventually my happiness and justification of a better success.

It has always been this way. Being encouraged by my former failures, I eventually learned not to let my guard down against unfortunate incidents and I have built up a solid immunity system to protect me from what troubled me; for I knew that any failure would eventually turn out to be of my advantage. I have never lost my cool, my resolve and my reasoning; even momentarily. Never.

Though, now I realize that, most of those events were lacking some certain ingredient: enough emotions. I am in a specific situation that I am dealing with for the past months. It has been a period when I have felt immense lust, an unexplainably big love and a devout sense of commitment. When these feelings direct towards one single object, you realize that reasoning can be easily overwhelmed, and the real challenge is to be able to handle situations of such.

Unfortunately, I have recently learned what it means to momentarily lose control. I have never lost control, and I have always considered it to be a lousy weakness. Recklessness was a sin for me, so was the sense of vengeance, the sense of hatred. I have never really hated anything.

Imagine these feelings in a scheme:

It's a simple equation, actually. You feel love towards something. It leads to intensity, and intensity leads to jealousy and to an awkward sense of vengeance with the interference of third parties. Jealousy, if you actually are not proud of being jealous, leads to regret; but nonetheless it leads to recklessness. Recklessness, along with intensity, boosts your sense of vengeance and more vengeance leads to more recklessness - eventually leading to regret. All in all, from an emotional perspective, the direct connection between you to that 'something' in terms of love, intensity and jealousy have these inner connections. Love, intensity and jealousy being one side of the medallion - it only hints you how the other side of the medallion is.

This equation applies to the entire process of many people. In my case, it erupts in certain moments, in a temporary nature. It works like a clock - one pumps another, and starts a domino effect.

It eventually soothes down, but this scheme above is a single-sided scheme. As you can see, it only directs towards the object; however there are other things that might direct from the object to you. Let's illustrate it as follows:

Assuming that the scheme no. 1 doesn't apply to the object in terms of you and that love is mutual, we will have a situation that where the love that the object has towards you leads to patience against your reactions. After a while, patience will lead to empathy, and the object will crave to justify your acts to avoid devastation. Eventually, in case of empathical justification, empathy will lead to tolerance; but the consistency of recklessness might eventually turn into a tiredness and tiredness might turn into a massive annoyance. There, we will have a paradox. Love will continuously pump patience and empathy, whereas your actions will simply drain the tolerance caused by your empathy; so eventually the case will cause both empathy and annoyance being reflected to you - both finding their origins in love. Empathy directs towards something you value, so does annoyance - but their clash will only transmute into ultimate 'fed-up' situation which will tire the object, and you yourself.

I have a curse. I have this stupid urge to make an analytical explanation to everything, including emotions. I have this urge to 'calculate' emotions and I am being strictly criticized because of that. However, I can actually calculate and foresee the reactions of my emotions and I have never had the claim of making an objective, all-applicable calculation for the idea of emotions.

I only talk on my behalf.

These two schemes above are, as natural they are, shameful for me. The intensity makes my head spin and makes me fail.

This is the source of my shame.

However, I'm working on it. I am not an idiot, and I have my own methods dealing with incidents. I forgot to mention - intensity has a direct proportion with your enthusiasm, and my enthusiasm is infinite.

One day, I will stop this equation, rip off these schemes and stare at the clear skyline above from a roof window.

Until then, I will be in my mental laboratory, trying to find a cure for this shame.

This is, all in all, the only shame I've got.