30 Aralık 2010 Perşembe

2010.

I was searching for a word to define what this year has been for me. Whenever I think about it, I am really having a hard time to come up with one single word covering all months. Yet I suppose, the two most outstanding feelings I have felt during this year would be love and stress.

Let's see what I have been doing since the beginning of this year:

  • The first moments of this year, I was studying Inheritance Law. At 00:00, we toasted Jack Daniel's. Then I went back to studying (I got an A- from IL, so it was worth it).
  • January was rather dull, since the beginning was mostly about finals. After finals, I was in Izmit. No biggy.
  • February was mostly about MUNTR 2010 preparations, we have visited the hotel and all. Adaptation to the new and the final semester of my LL.B. life.
  • March 1 -5, MUNTR 2010. This was the first time I have seen my face dehydrating. Red dots. An average of 2 hours of sleep every day. Approximately 23 kilometers of walking in 5 days. Exhaustion, sickness. Fun anyway. At the end of March, Fotini called me to meet up in Istanbul.
  • April, Fotini came back into my life as my girlfriend after our reunion on April 3, 2010. We consider April 5 to be our anniversary. Midterms.
  • May. Final exams start and final days emerge in Bilkent. Fotini arrives in Ankara by the end of the month. One word: Stress. Interviews. Job applications. Blegh.
  • June. Fotini was in Turkey and we spent most of our time in Ankara and Değirmendere. I get accepted into White & Case Ankara.
  • July. "Flashlights Beneath the Dust", July 1-5. Fotini leaves on July 5th, 2010 for Paris. July 21, 2010: I leave for Sweden.
  • August. Sweden until August 14. Probably my best trip abroad. Perfect month. On my way back, I immediately return to Ankara and pack up to move to another place closer to work in Aziziye, Çankaya. Fotini moves to Brussels to study in ULB.
  • September, internship starts. Fotini visits me again for two weeks. Adaptation process, realizations of student life being over. Short-term depression, sense of solitude, plenty of stress. Official internship at the Courthouse starts on September 20, to last a full year.
  • October. Nothing significant.
  • November, Fotini visits me back. Probably the best month of the year along with August. My first visit to Brussels. Nonetheless the best 10 days of the year. Lots of Duvel and many many others. Now I have a home in Brussels.
  • December... World of Warcraft: Cataclysm is released. I have learned that two of my best friends are leaving for Europe in January.
  • Today is December 30, 2010. It has been a radical year.
  • Ankara has proven me right again about how significant it is in my life, and how it will simply go on even if I leave it one day.
Fun times. Fun year.

29 Aralık 2010 Çarşamba

shame.

I am full of shame. I really didn't want to pay much attention to the title.
I will tell you who I think I am. I consider myself to be a strong person who managed to tackle many, many past dealings in my life; sharp cuts, rip offs, death, solitude, selfishness and devilry in almost any period of my life. However, I suppose these facts are the most outstanding realities of life. Things pretty much anyone can come across with at any time of their lives. What makes me strong, or at least what makes me consider myself strong does not reason from the things I have seen, but the perception I managed to stabilize against these things.
I will shortly tell you how I managed to get over things so far.
Beyond anything, I am a perfect avoider. As lame as it sounds, I am a master of avoidance. I suppose this is a genial heritage from my beloved mother, who is a perfect artist of trouble-pruning; at least on the surface. She has many masks that she can cover her sorrow, despair and anger, and she can act very well that things are actually fine.
I moved it a step further. As dramatic as I used to be a couple of years ago, I have always lived according to one code: neutrality and moderation. Whatever I have encountered, my biggest pride was to be able to nullify the disadvantages of a disastrous situation and diminish it to its advantages and utilize from them. Every deal in my life, every incident I have lived eventually turns out to be experiences. I distill events into abstract experiences waiting to be formalized in future events of the same type.
Troubles have been always welcomed by me, because many of them failed to wound me deeply - but supplied me great deals of experience and 'lessons of life'. I rarely repeated my mistakes and my immunity system was rarely breached by a similar future incident.
Let me examplify:
I failed the freshman year of Law School. 2006 summer was quite apocalyptic for me and my family for that reason; however I somehow managed to get things back together despite all the despair I've experienced and I've had my family to experience. The next four years in College were almost flawless, with no failed lessons and a much much more higher cumulative average than I would have achieved if I actually passed my first freshman year. In conclusion, my failure turned out to be an advantage, and my trouble was eventually my happiness and justification of a better success.
It has always been this way. Being encouraged by my former failures, I eventually learned not to let my guard down against unfortunate incidents and I have built up a solid immunity system to protect me from what troubled me; for I knew that any failure would eventually turn out to be of my advantage. I have never lost my cool, my resolve and my reasoning; even momentarily. Never.
Though, now I realize that, most of those events were lacking some certain ingredient: enough emotions. I am in a specific situation that I am dealing with for the past months. It has been a period when I have felt immense lust, an unexplainably big love and a devout sense of commitment. When these feelings direct towards one single object, you realize that reasoning can be easily overwhelmed, and the real challenge is to be able to handle situations of such.
Unfortunately, I have recently learned what it means to momentarily lose control. I have never lost control, and I have always considered it to be a lousy weakness. Recklessness was a sin for me, so was the sense of vengeance, the sense of hatred. I have never really hated anything.
Imagine these feelings in a scheme:
It's a simple equation, actually. You feel love towards something. It leads to intensity, and intensity leads to jealousy and to an awkward sense of vengeance with the interference of third parties. Jealousy, if you actually are not proud of being jealous, leads to regret; but nonetheless it leads to recklessness. Recklessness, along with intensity, boosts your sense of vengeance and more vengeance leads to more recklessness - eventually leading to regret. All in all, from an emotional perspective, the direct connection between you to that 'something' in terms of love, intensity and jealousy have these inner connections. Love, intensity and jealousy being one side of the medallion - it only hints you how the other side of the medallion is.
This equation applies to the entire process of many people. In my case, it erupts in certain moments, in a temporary nature. It works like a clock - one pumps another, and starts a domino effect.
It eventually soothes down, but this scheme above is a single-sided scheme. As you can see, it only directs towards the object; however there are other things that might direct from the object to you. Let's illustrate it as follows:
Assuming that the scheme no. 1 doesn't apply to the object in terms of you and that love is mutual, we will have a situation that where the love that the object has towards you leads to patience against your reactions. After a while, patience will lead to empathy, and the object will crave to justify your acts to avoid devastation. Eventually, in case of empathical justification, empathy will lead to tolerance; but the consistency of recklessness might eventually turn into a tiredness and tiredness might turn into a massive annoyance. There, we will have a paradox. Love will continuously pump patience and empathy, whereas your actions will simply drain the tolerance caused by your empathy; so eventually the case will cause both empathy and annoyance being reflected to you - both finding their origins in love. Empathy directs towards something you value, so does annoyance - but their clash will only transmute into ultimate 'fed-up' situation which will tire the object, and you yourself.
I have a curse. I have this stupid urge to make an analytical explanation to everything, including emotions. I have this urge to 'calculate' emotions and I am being strictly criticized because of that. However, I can actually calculate and foresee the reactions of my emotions and I have never had the claim of making an objective, all-applicable calculation for the idea of emotions.
I only talk on my behalf.
These two schemes above are, as natural they are, shameful for me. The intensity makes my head spin and makes me fail.
This is the source of my shame.
However, I'm working on it. I am not an idiot, and I have my own methods dealing with incidents. I forgot to mention - intensity has a direct proportion with your enthusiasm, and my enthusiasm is infinite.
One day, I will stop this equation, rip off these schemes and stare at the clear skyline above from a roof window.
Until then, I will be in my mental laboratory, trying to find a cure for this shame.
This is, all in all, the only shame I've got.

26 Aralık 2010 Pazar

the tale of urnyras jael, part XIV: to orbh city.

"YOU WILL DIE!" screamed Eoria, dashing towards Urnyras Jael while she's lying on the ground. "DIE, SCUM!"
She attempted to hit Urnyras Jael with her blade. Urnyras Jael could merely block the attack before tumbling to her side, breathing heavily. She regained her control and dashed forward, like an agitated panther - counter-attacking without losing time.
Eoria blocked her in the air, jumping backwards and sending her a force blast using Ùrda; Urnyras blocked the blast with her blade but she lost her balance. She was having a hard time hitting Eoria, somehow fearing hurting her. Eoria, however; did not look compassionate, at all.
"SCUM!" she roared again, throwing one of her shortswords to Urnyras. Urnyras started to run towards Eoria and blocking the shortsword moving with a clear expertise, jumping and tumbling towards her and sending her a force blast back. Eoria, caught off-guard, got hit by the blast and flew a few feet back, to hit the wall and fall on the ground. She started to breathe heavily, peering at Urnyras with hatred and purring low.
"You are an illusion," Urnyras Jael said. "Thus I will slay you."
She did not hesitate cutting Eoria's head with a single blow.

...

"It happened again," Urnyras Jael said. "I killed Eoria."
"Still, that was impressive," said Fauran, when Urnyras Jael gathered her consciousness back. "It is... strange that whenever we initiate these anti mind-control practices, your mind picks Eoria as the hardest opponent. You value her. Your most common opponent is always the hardest to kill. Your mind likes challenge."
"I do value her, Master," she nodded. "I fear that one day we might actually encounter in a battle against each other. I fear that I will be too weak to fight her."
"Disciples do not turn against each other easily," Fauran shook his head. "But, no matter what, your training includes to be able to slay the most loved ones when necessary. Hesitation is our biggest enemy, and your loyalty is primarily to the power you wield. You have to remember that."

...

Weeks flew by faster than they thought. After six months of continuous training, all four apprentices of Master Fauran could actually feel the power coursing within their veins and soul, filling every single side of their body; pumping courage, wisdom and force. Eoria, on the other hand, was still as cold as she always was to Gea and Shevach, however it wasn't as bad with Urnyras anymore. Urnyras could swear that she has seen Eoria slightly smiling once, even.
Weirdly enough, there were many times that Urnyras found herself unconsciously trying to make her smile. Everytime she sensed a glimpse of joy in Eoria, she felt it double.
Still, she didn't have much time to focus on her.

...

"Your yearly trials are yet to come," announced Fauran, one morning; when the Disciples were eating at the Halls of Gathering. "You will split in two groups and you will be given an assignment out of the Temple. You are expected to complete your given assignments in the specified time."
"Out of the Temple? Where, Master?" asked Shevach.
"Patience," replied Fauran. "After the Ùrda practice today, you will be given your briefing and your team members."
Shevach nodded. The others didn't react. Fauran left the girls alone with fast steps, out of the Halls.
"Trials," mumbled Urnyras. "I can't believe it has been six months since we came here."
"Well, we were too busy and tired to realize how time flew by," said Eoria.
"That's right, but still - do you feel ready for the Trials yet? I feel like... I don't know anything," said Gea. "I am not sure if I can-"
"Hesitation is our worst enemy, Gea," said Urnyras with an absolute and explicit self-esteem. "If you hesitate your soul, you can't do it anyway. I can handle anything to come. Remember the code, hesitation, temptation, excitem-"
"Oh, come on now," sighed Eoria. "We have one Fauran, we don't need a smaller female version. Let go."
Urnyras raised an eyebrow, but didn't reply.
"How was the mind-control practice?" asked Shevach to others.
"Smooth," said Gea. "I killed my father with no hesitation. It sort of felt... good, you know. I love my father, but it felt like I released a weakness, some unnecessary bond that was enslaving me, oh, I like these practices."
"It was pretty smooth for me too," said Shevach proudly. "I killed my uncle. I still hope I won't have to actually do that ever in my life."
"You?" said Gea rapidly, turning towards Urnyras. Urnyras literally jumped.
"Ha? What?" she could say.
"Mind-control practice. How was it?" Gea asked.
"Ah, good," Urnyras replied, chewing her meal. "I killed my.. um, mother."
Eoria smiled.
"What?" Urnyras turned towards Eoria, somehow nervous.
"Nothing," Eoria replied, shrugging.
"What about yours?" asked Urnyras, challengingly.
"I killed my father," she replied straightforwardly.
Urnyras somehow felt a disappointment deep inside.
Still, she found the fact that she actually wished Eoria to kill her instead of her father a bit awkward.
Eoria smiled.

...

"Why did you lie?" asked Eoria to Urnyras Jael, shortly before the Ùrda training, when they were alone.
"Lie? Why would I lie?" said Urnyras. Her heart started to beat faster with panic and anxiety. "I didn't lie, no."
"Hmm, so why are you in panic all of a sudden, and in a repetitive denial?"
"I'm not-"
"I know who you killed. I am aware of everything," Eoria said.
"But-"
"I know it, because I killed you, not my father."
"You killed me?"
"Yes. You."
Urnyras felt joyful. Most possibly, if she wasn't a fylla but an eila; she'd dance around the Temple, singing.
"So-"
"If you are ready, we shall commence our Ùrda training," Fauran's voice echoed the training grounds. "It will be relatively short today, since you will get your briefings and given half a day to finalize your preparations for departure."

...

Ùrda training lasted only four hours, and Fauran ordered the Disciples to gather at the Halls of Gathering in half an hour before leaving. Shortly before the sunset, the Disciples gathered around Fauran. He was holding four green envelopes.
"Tomorrow, before the noon, you will leave the Temple towards your destinations specified in these letters. You will not open them now, and you will not be told who your companions are. Each of you will leave the Temple seperately towards your directions. Your first objective, aside the ones written in your letters, is to find your companion within the zones specified. You are expected to track and spot your companion. You may have multiple companions, or you might simply be altogether, everything is possible, actually. The routes you will follow are given in your letters. If any of you dare to speak of their routes and/or their destinations, they will be banned from the Temple immediately and deported back to N'ya. So keep your mouths shut."
Urnyras lifted her head and looked at Eoria, only to notice that she was looking back at her; most possibly hoping for the same thing: companionship of one another.

...

Urnyras found a silent, remote corner in the Temple Gardens and ripped open her letter:

Destination: Axed Keg Tavern, Delhraìr, Orbh City
Route: N'ya - Forest of Orbh - Orbh City
Expected Duration of Travel: One Week
Quest: A suspicious activity in this Tavern has been reported.
Disciple is expected to arrive there as soon as possible, after finding her companion(s) in Orbh City, who will be sent there for another task. These tasks will be finished one after another. Initiative will belong to the Disciples' common decision.
We have limited information on this 'suspicious activity', and reports only specify several rituals taking place. We suspect a cultist activity.
Disciple will figure out the actual happening and deliver a detailed report to the Intelligence Corps.
This message shall be annihilated by the authorized officials.
Quest Duration: Two Weeks

She slowly folded the briefing letter.
"Orbh City?" she asked loudly. "Wow, that's..."
"Do not, please, shout your destination once again," said an expressionless voice. "If I was one of the Disciples, you would be on your way home now."
Urnyras blenched, quickly turning back to look who talked. It took a brief moment for her to realize it was Fauran.
"Master," she trembled. "I'm sorry."
He made a dismissive gesture.
"Go get ready, girl," he said. "Yours is a risky, dangerous, yet an adventurous journey."
She slowly bowed her head, and left for her room to get ready.

25 Ekim 2010 Pazartesi

the tale of urnyras jael, part XIII: the queen and alùn.

Urnyras Jael made it to Northern Kith'lath in three weeks. She took the route directly from the borders of Southern Orbh Forest. She has never been closer to this ill-reputed forest. She has heard the echoes; deep, sorrowful mournings, she has felt the heavy atmosphere of it - even from the other side of its borders. Some wisemen spoke, she remembered, that 'it is a forest, alive by itself and seperately; possessing a collective spirit apart from the spirits of its trees. Delusional, maddening but beautiful. Beautifully destructive, uncomfortably tempting.' Even after a week passing by the Forest, she was sure to hear sounds. Echoes of the Past, just like in Galdwin. Mourns, inevitably making her remember her sister. It was disturbing, nonetheless.

On her way up north, she has passed by the biggest city in Echiott, Orbh City, at nighttime. She has seen the lights of it and the traces of battles of locals and pioneer onthox forces at the outskirts of the city atop Westhill Heights, while passing towards Southern Kith'lath. She has never been to Orbh. She was aware the Westhill Heights were probably very dangerous to pass by, but she had to rely on her evasive skills. She could not extend the journey any longer. Luckily her journey through Southern Kith'lath and Midlands were not problematic.

...

According to the coordinates she was given, she found the forward camp at the outskirts of Calua City, a city located at the northeasternmost corner of Solian mainland.
"Blessings upon you," she spoke to the guardians at the entrance, in fyllian. "Urnyras Jael, I have arrived to address the Bannerlord. I am of the Intelligence Corps, rode all the way from Midland Ossax."
"Urnyras Jael, your arrival brought us sparkles of hope," one of the guardians spoke, as Urnyras Jael jumped down from Bavien with a smile. "The Bannerlord is at his garrison, not far from here. Let me get the horse - that is a mustang, actually, no?"
"Indeed," Urnyras Jael said, proudly. "One of the best."
"I'll feed her," the guard said. "Don't you worry. She'll be at the stables."
"I appreciate," Urnyras Jael said.
"I'll show you the way," said the other guard, and started to walk slowly after beckoning her over.
After a short walk, they arrived in front of a (recently constructed, as far as she could figure) wooden building. Guard nodded to Urnyras Jael, and she thanked him before he left.
She slowly walked inside, greeting the guardians in front of the building with her fyllian salute.

...

Building looked much bigger than it looked outside - somehow, everything seemed to be a bit oversized. The tables, paintings hung on the wall, chairs, sofa, decorative weapons, everything. It was much different than a Echiotthian understanding of decoration. It looked more tribal, more green-brown dominated. Somehow resembled the fyllian decoration, but in a more primitive way. Nonetheless, she realized such interior design would be of Wundh women. She immediately recalled their tribal way of life, their worship of Marvyll Dengraìd, the Goddess of Sun and Nature. It made sense. This was the Wundhian headquarters.
This realization took around three seconds.
She noticed an elegant, strong yet old looking fylla and a woman of the same length with him, standing in front of a square table, discreetly arguing on something, pointing at scribblings and most possibly maps or reports placed on the table. When they noticed her back, she could observe them better; as they turned their faces to her. One of them was, N'yaian Bannerlord, Eoria's dear father, Krischnokh Ilinarth. As handsome, cold-blooded and wise as a fylla can look, he was standing there, smiling warmly.
"Dheinach," Krischnokh said. "Dheinach, my beloved child, welcome! I knew the King would send you here for me, Gosto be praised! Look, I want you to meet a friend, an ally, a fierce warrior - just like you are." He slowly turned towards the woman next to him.
The first word or definition that popped up in her mind when she could have a clearer view of the woman was 'awkward': She was wearing a white-green cloak covering all the way down to her ankles and her shoulders as well; it had (probably) leather shoulderpads attached carefully to her cloak. Her armor looked like it was made of a darker leather, no wonder it looked strong. Her breasts were partially covered, the chest part was connected to the leggings with four strong looking stripes at the sides. Her thigh were covered as well, but the leggings were not covering all parts of her legs. She had boots, more looked like winter-boots, hairy and cozy-looking.
She had gloves with two spikes on them each, somehow resembled an assassin's armor daggers. She had a bow hanging from her back, as well as a quiver; apparently a product of an exceptional fletcher.
She had brown hair down to her waist, ornamented with green leaves. She had hazel-green eyes, or at least that is what Urnyras Jael assumed so; because after a while, she thought they were actually brownish; it was pretty hard to tell. She had sharp facial curves, a round face and some frickles on her cheeks; the expression on her face, as it is - was not neutral but rather nervous. Urnyras Jael could easily tell - this woman, even in her happiest moment, might fail to look happy.
"Gallanae," the woman said, with an unexpectedly soothing voice. "Gallanae-mylen. I am happy to meet you, at last."
"So am I, her Majesty," Urnyras Jael said, bowing her head. "An honor to have met you eventually."
"There is a lot to talk, Dheinach," Krischnokh said. "You have to move immediately and effectively."
"I have taken a briefing back in Ossax. I suppose it is not enough, however," Urnyras Jael said. "I require specific people to aim at."
"Indeed, that you will get," Gallanae said. "Just in case you are referring to our 'confidentiality' principles, they do not apply face-to-face. We never know who might get that message we sent to Ossax, but you will get your detailed briefing here."
"That is... relieving to know, so to speak," Urnyras replied. "If I can get it right away I can get on with it."
"Very well," Gallanae said. "There is this man, within the city walls, the Bannerlord of Calua. His name is Niru. Niru Volda. A man of Guern-Vent heritage, but he was born and raised in Kith'lath. Attended to the Military Academy in Rolinbragh before he was appointed as the Council representative of Calua. Then he was assigned as the Bannerlord when the former Bannerlord died. He is well known for his seperatist ideas about Kith'lath, claiming it to deserve being a seperate Kingdom like Dytheria, Umbrys and Wundh. Apparently he was never recognized in these terms, which made him more furious. We suspect this man could be behind such uprising, taking advantage of the chaotic situation that the Empire is in."
"Well, what if he is not?" Urnyras Jael asked.
"Eh, my common sense dictates me," said Gallanae pointing at her head, "A Bannerlord would not be so silent and approving about a rebel going on against the Empire. In any case, he has to be taken here, if not killed, to be questioned. Everything will unfold if done so."
"If he is the leader of such rebellion that scattered all over Kith'lath," Urnyras Jael said, rather annoyed at the Queen being sarcastic, "How are you expecting one person to grab a Bannerlord, and a rebel leader, alive and without being spotted?"
"Well, that is exactly why we rely on you... and your 'training'," said Krischnokh. "I am sure you will succeed, you are the Successor of your Master. You are no ordinary assassin."
"Thank you, Krischnokh, but I need no flattering words," said Urnyras Jael. "I am just telling that for the sake of ensuring such mission to be completed as you ask me. I need several equipment, a map of Calua for instance, where he might be found... and connections in the city that are reliable."
"You will find Aural, at the city hall, he is a clerk. A disguised Royal Guard spy. He also works as the archivist. The code you will use to contact him is 'asking the El'nar family archives.' He will do the rest, just go along with the masquerade. Ah, and you may also encounter Alùn, a human blademaster, but I am not sure at what stage of your journey in the city he would appear to you. He is an ally, you can trust him. Be wary though, he's known to be reckless."
"Fine," Urnyras Jael said. "I'll leave as soon as I get the necessary equipment. I will see you before I leave."

...

She has had another detailed briefing with Gallanae-mylen before she left.
She has heard of Calua many times, mostly in pirate and maritime wars stories. It is known to be a filthy city, mostly a hub for thugs, criminals and outlaws. Many of the famous Solian pirates were either from here, or somehow associated with here. She couldn't help but admire the maritime victory that the Wundhian Navy won against the Caluan pirates and Kith'lath fleet.
Shortly after, merely before the sunset, she found a hiding spot near the city sewers below the eastern walls. She opened up the map, carefully observed it and tried to find a way in from the sewers, or any sort of hidden gate used for evacuation or for strategic purposes.
It, unfortunately, looked like the only subtle way in was the sewers. She sneaked in through the rusty bars of the round pipeline, carefully and silently walking towards. It stinked - significantly terrible.
The only sound was sewer rats hastily running and the waterdrops falling to the filthy sewer channel. Her steps were silent.
"Ùr," she whispered. Before her appeared a green beam of light, guiding her way.
She got a hold of her weapons, narrowing her eyes into the dark, endless pipeline. She was observing the ceiling too, for possible exits up to the city.
She saw a bright, white light. That moment, she leaned forwards to see closer, was this an exit? It didn't make sense though, it was nighttime, how come such a bright light inside this se-
She could hardly escape a flying throwing knife, dodging half a second before she would be nailed on her forehead. She whispered "Ùr-nae", then ducked. She held her breath, then whispered "Napth," a wave of blast appeared in front of her. Nothing happened, as far as she could see; her blast spell did not work.
"Do you think you can take me down with Ùrda magic? It is dangerous for a fyllian assassin to loiter in Caluan underground at times like these," a man spoke, with an irritatingly calm voice. "You must be Urnyras Jael. Good to, ehm, well, see you."
Urnyras Jael did not reply.
"You need not speak for me to find you," he said. "I won't kill you anyway."
"Who are you?" said Urnyras Jael, as emotionless as she could pretend.
"Alùn. I am sent here a couple of days ago to investigate. They told me you would come beforehand. I am sorry about the throwing knife, but anyone unable to dodge that should not be here anyway."
Urnyras Jael, still warily, revealed herself. Alùn revealed himself too - he lid the torch he was holding in his hands, walking out from the shadows. He was an eila, about the same height of Urnyras Jael - with long, brownish hair and a long beard. He was wearing a robe, and two short-swords were hanging from his belt.
"I am a Disciple too, believe it or not," he continued. "I do not work and never worked for Fyllian Corps though. After my training was done, I was back to my mother's hometown, Rolinbragh; pledged my services to Teleane Bloodline. Fyllas don't like me much, but I am among the best they can rely on about missions like that."
"So, Fauran trained you," Urnyras Jael said, still holding her weapons. "How come I have never heard of you?"
"Eh, well," he said. "You see, it was a while ago. Fauran himself didn't like me much either, I suppose-" He suddenly stopped talking, gestured Urnyras Jael to duck. Urnyras Jael did so immediately. He threw the torch away. They were in absolute darkness again.
They've heard slow, monotone steps walking. Then they realized it wasn't only one person, but a bunch of people. The steps sometimes sounded like as if they were approaching, but then they realized that it wasn't so. There was something ahead, unaware of their presence.
"We have to have a look," Alùn whispered. "I guess they are pirates. They have hideouts ahead."
Urnyras Jael whispered "Ùr", and the weakly gleaming green globe appeared again.
"Keep it low," warned Alùn.
He was pretty agile despite the fact that he was wearing a robe. As he moved, Urnyras Jael heard a clunking voice and she suspected that this man might have an armor or extra weapons under his robe.

...

Eventually, they arrived to the entrance of a big room, probably to gather up water and distribute to different channels out of the city since Urnyras Jael spotted some round pipelines on the walls. They did not enter, since Alùn pointed towards several tents and a campfire. There were people.
"Pirates," Alùn said. "These men work as mercenaries for the rebellion. They are enemy."
"Mercenaries?" Urnyras Jael asked, rather surprised. "How come they were convinced to work for a rebellion trying to seperate Kith'lath, do they plan to establish a pirate kingdom?"
"I do not possess that much information," he said. "Maybe we can go down there and keep one of them alive to inquire."
Urnyras Jael nodded, and they entered the room and started to approach towards the tents.

15 Ekim 2010 Cuma

the tale of urnyras jael, part XII: journey to kith'lath.


Several weeks after Ghaow's unforunate defeat, Pythe reached the outskirts of Southern Lyca'naus Mountains. According to the reports from southern regions, the Umbrysian army was indeed faster than they expected them to be - shortly after they vanquished everything in Akaramedia, they razed Alaìs and invaded Rykssander. Onthox armies, on the other hand, were about to make it to Orbh - and just as vandal as they used to be, destroying anything on their way.
Urnyras Jael recovered in two weeks. Using fyllian techniques of healing and a special care taken from eilan physicians, it wasn't much of a surprise for her. What made it somehow painful was that since the army was mobilized at all times, she didn't have much time to rest.
One day, Quarlyn popped up near her, after a repelled ambush attempt by a local sybillian tribe.
"I see you have recovered," he said pleasantly.
"More or less," she shrugged. "I was expecting it to be sooner. No complaints, though."
"Right, well..." he nodded. "Good to know. The King will be happy to know. He kept asking about you. You must've left a good impression on him."
"Being the only survivor of an entire division," she said dramatically. "Would make the most useless thug a hero. It's the direness of the situation, not what or who I am."
"Don't be so harsh on yourself" said Quarlyn. "Anyway, I am here to deliver you this." He held an envelope towards Urnyras Jael.
"Unless you feel like going on a long land journey," he said as she took it, "Do not open it. It is sort of urgent though, so if you think it will take longer than two days, I will-"
"No problem," she said. "I will go wherever you want me to go."
"Very well," Quarlyn smiled in approval. "We will settle the army for a rest in about four to five hours. Meet me at the headquarters tent."
"Consider it done," said Urnyras Jael.

...

Shortly after Quarlyn left, Urnyras Jael broke the seal of the envelope (with her name written on it) and stared at the folded parchment for a brief moment. 'Travel,' she thought. 'Maybe to the south. To north. In any case I want to go away.'
She slowly unfolded the letter, and started to read it slowly:


"To whom it may concern,

Regarding the latest reports from Kith'lath:
Due to a possible civil war to arise at the realms of Kith'lath, N'yaian Forces under command of me, Krischnokh Ilinarth, the Bannerlord of N'ya, have been relocated. However, the opposition was, in comparison to what the intelligence services expected, much more overwhelming. As these reports have reached the mobilized Royal Army, His Majesty decided to call upon the aid of Wundhian allies. His Majesty's requests of military aid from the Queendom of Wundh has been answered, and Her Majesty Gallanae-mylen Myllande the Second of Wundh has landed on Kith'lath, immediately engaging a maritime battle with the Opposition.

In search of the mastermind of such rebellion, Wundhian intelligence have spotted several possibilities. In their latest regular report, keeping the names strictly confidential, they have requested a skilled assassin to act according to the orders given at the expedition base in Kith'lath for further administrative matters, code number 34J.

Therefore,
N'yaian Expedition in Kith'lath humbly requests the relocation of a N'yaian Intelligence Corps member to Kith'lath as soon as possible, if possible at all. Being at your disposal, more than one assassin would be appreciated.

Your prompt response will be of the best, with current situations at hand.

Best of regards, may the Twin Serpents prevail,

Krischnokh Brauch Ilinarth
Bannerlord of N'ya City."

She folded the parchment rather mechanically. 'Kith'lath? Rebellion? Why would everyone be so discreet about it, that I have never head of it? Wundhian allies? Those enourmous, female warriors? Oh joy,' she thought, with a dramatic, slight smile on her face. 'Going to be a nice journey, I feel.'

...

After the army settled for a couple of hours of rest, Urnyras Jael made her appearance at the Headquarters Tent, being addressed by the King and Quarlyn.
"It's rather chaotic, up there," Quarlyn rubbed his chin. "Wundhian Queen puts her utmost efforts, and somehow managed to land her armies in Calua several weeks before. I suppose they have invaded the city. The Opposition fights a guerilla-war - I am sure they are not more than one fifth of the Wundhian army, in fact. That turns out to be a battle of wits, we have to use our cards properly. Brute methods, relying on the advantage in numbers should not blind us."
"N'yaian forces are quite few, I have to admit," said the King, shortly after approving Quarlyn with his head. "But they know Northern Echiott more than anyone, including remote parts of it such as Kith'lath. They act as navigators for the Wundhian allies. Gallanae-mylen is reputed to be a tactical genius, and we have to rely on her judgement in that matter. This was desperate, you see. I thought Kith'lath would immediately manage to gather an army, set up an alliance with Umbrys and Dytheria and make a third battlefront in Kith'lath. That would be catastrophic. We are already overwhelmed. That civil war, or this aggression in Kith'lath has to end. It can be considered premature yet, so if we smash the head of it, the rest will just shake and die. That is what you are asked to do. Change the fate of this rebellion and give the rest of Solia a relief - including Wundhian allies and N'yaian Expedition."
"What you ask of me, my King," said Urnyras Jael, apparently seeking a confirmation. "Is to kill the leader of the rebellion?"
"Exactly," Pythe nodded. "Maybe you can capture him alive, and he can be judged and punished according to Solian Law."
"That will be my priority," said Urnyras Jael. "I desire not to kill anyone else, in fact. But if I have to, I will do what has to be done, no doubt."
"When can you leave?" asked Quarlyn.
"Immediately, I suppose," shrugged Urnyras Jael. "I will recover before I reach Calua anyway. I can afford a horseback ride if I am supplied well enough for the journey."
"Very well, that is perfect," nodded Quarlyn. "You leave tonight. Try not to mention this to anyone. I want you to disappear."
Urnyras Jael nodded.

...

She gathered her belongings together in no time, she slowly walked towards the stable. One of the squires, an eilan kid at his eight at most, was bringing a brown mustang with him, also was slowly dragging the supplies for the journey behind him, nervously saluting Urnyras Jael. She carrassed the squier's hair before she grabbed the supplies and loaded it on the horse gently, patting the horse's neck afterwards.
"What's her name?" she asked to the squier.
"Bavien," the squire replied. "Belonged to a fallen knight of Lyrant. One of the best, m'lady."
"Seems like it," smiled Urnyras Jael. "Strong. Noble. Cold-blooded as well. These are good traits for a horse like this."
"We are good friends with Bavien," he said nervously. "Please take good care of her m'lady, so I can see her again."
"Worry not, my young friend," Urnyras Jael looked at the squire. "No horse will die on my watch."

...

After getting the ultimate briefing from Quarlyn, Urnyras Jael left like the wind herself, riding north.
"Wundhian women," she said to Bavien. "They say they are more brute than Wultan kheron. Stronger than enaer. More aggressive than the siblion. What do you think awaits me, Bavien? I wonder if it is even possible to work with them. Psh, I'm glad Krischnokh is there. Eoria might be there too, maybe, who knows? My sweet Eoria, how I missed her!"
Bavien was silent and smooth, just like her rider. She was dashing through the night, fixated on her destination and riding towards it with an invincible resolve. Under a red sky, her eyes were glowing with pride.
As she rode further north, Urnyras Jael realized this mustang was much much more noble than she actually looked.
She felt lucky to have such a companion by her side, a companion who knows what it means to lose someone you dearly care about. To lose a comrade.
"Fanrach," she said towards the night. "Fanrach, you are missed dearly."
Bavien made a sound, and it pretty much sounded like an approval in the most ironic way possible.

7 Ekim 2010 Perşembe

yağmur altında monolog.

Herkes, yani hemen hemen herkes - yağmur yağdıktan sonra toprağın nasıl koktuğunu iyi bilir. Yağmur başlı başına ferahlatıcı bir olgudur, hele ki biraz ormanlık, yeşillikli bir yerde iseniz mükemmel bir koku yayılır toprağın suyla buluşmasından dakikalar sonra.
Doğanın süslü püslü, insan yapımı parfümlere hiç ihtiyacı olmadığının en mükemmel kanıtıdır toprak kokusu. Yağmurdan sonraki toprağın kokusu.

Her varlık - canlı ya da cansız olması dikkate alınmaksızın bir sona tabidir. Bu canlılar için dinamik bir süreçtir, sirküler ya da doğrusal giden bir çok yolun bileşkesidir ve bu bileşkenin kendisi de doğrusaldır; başlar ve biter. Tekrarlar da sona erer o noktadan sonra. Yağmur da, tıpkı insan hayatında tecrübe edilen can sıkıcı şeylerin zaman içerisinde farklı yöntemlerle dışarı atılması ve bünyenin yenilenmesi gibidir. Yağmur, doğa için sirküler bir yoldur. Bu yüzden benim kafamda yağmura yapışmış sosyal metafor, insanın kendi kendisini yenilemesidir. Islak bir demokrasi gibi yani.

Yaşadığınız yerin yakınlarında bir park ya da yeşillik bir alan varsa, çok cazip bir önerim olacak. Havalar soğudu malum, sıkı giyinin üstünüzü ve yanınıza bir şemsiye alarak buraya gidin. Yağmur yağarken tabii ki. Emin olun pek insan olmaz yağmurlu havalarda böyle yerlerde. Yağmur yağarken doğa yalnızdır genelde. Doğanın yalnızlığına ortak olun - onun yalnızlığını azaltmak için değil, yapamazsınız zaten; ama en azından kendi bencilliğinizi biraz olsun toprağa def edebilmek adına yapın bunu.

Sonra, nispeten daha az ıslak bir yer bulun ve oturun. Düşünün sonra. Hayatınızı, hayatınızda esas aldığınız prensipleri gözden geçirin. Tanımlamalarınız güncel mi, bunu kontrol edin. Geçmiş nedir? Gelecek nedir? Şu anki zaman benim için ne ifade ediyor? Başkasının elini tutmamdan daha farklı mıdır o kişiyle sevişmem, geçmiş açısından? İz nedir? Nasıl bırakılır, hangi izler geçmez? Niye yaşıyorum, ne yapmak istiyorum? Geçmiş ne kadar önemli, geleceğimi nasıl etkiler? Bugün ne hissediyorum? Hissetmek ne demek bir kere? Düşünün. Hissedin yağmuru. O kadar derin düşünün ki, içinizde çakan bir şimşek ayıltsın sizi yoğun transınızdan.

İçinizde bir sıkkınlık oluşursa da bu his sizi rahatsız etmesin. Unutmayın ki yağmurun güzelliği, kül rengi gök yüzünden düşmesinde gizlidir. Bu değil mi zaten mesele, sıkkınlık değil mi akıtmaya çalıştığınız şey - hissedin ki yok olsun. Hissetmediğiniz şey, siz onu hissedene kadar yok olmaz. Zira ortada yok olması gereken bir şey yoktur o zaman.

Yağmuru hissedin.

2 Ekim 2010 Cumartesi

the man who smiles.

It was not a big room. Many would consider it a cell. One, small, rectangular window above. The sun never shined inside. He was a tiny man, too tiny to even take a brief look out of the window. All he knew that this hazy, gray wallpaper was the sky. And the sun never shined.
He kneeled. 'I could kill myself,' he was thinking, 'If I was to see that bright light they promised us before death. If only I was sure.'
He was a tiny man. Thin, cheerful, calm and content. He never had much problems. He never had been in a fight. He was very lucky, some thought. As if there was a guardian angel looking over him.
He smiled to himself. It wasn't much of a problem. Even if he was too tiny to see the daylight, it existed. Knowing it was a relief. He was relieved. He was smiling. He still could.
"Hello," said a soft voice.
"Hello," he replied, as if expecting it. "How are you on this cloudy day? I suppose it might rain."
"Well, it does," said the soft voice. "You don't know what rain looks like. You don't even know how the sun shines."
"No, no," he laughed. "I don't. But you know, it's not much of a problem. I know it's there."
"How," the voice asked. "Can you be happy?"
"Why not?" he asked. "Why not be happy? Why be sad?"
"Because you are not free," the voice said. "The darkness you are building up inside will overwhelm you."
"It won't," he shook his head. "I am a strong man, do not be fooled by my looks. I am a very strong man."
"Strong?" the voice asked with a sarcastic tone. "This is what you call strong? You smile, your ignorance is cheerful. You do not know what it means to cry. This is a dark cell you live in, and yet you can be happy?"
"My world," he said, smiling. "Is this dark cell. And the outer world makes me happy as long as I do not face it. I am inside. Actually, they are inside. Locked in, left out; all the same. They don't know my world, I don't know theirs. But their world, its existence makes me happy. Do my little cell make them happy?"
"Because your world is built on this dark misery you call a life," the voice said angrily. "You can't die avoiding, ignoring."
He laughed.
"I think I should. Sometimes I see animals they call a bird. They fly over here. It is sad. I don't want sad."
"You will die without feeling sadness, sorrow?" the voice asked.
"Why feel it if it is sorrowful?"
"That's a part of life."
"Not mine, no."

Eventually, they say, they found the man who smiles dead in his cell, drowned in his tears.

20 Eylül 2010 Pazartesi

the tale of urnyras jael, part XI: daughter of the bannerlord.

The first week has gone very slow and very painful for the new initiates: an instant overload of studying, lecturing, practising (mainly Ùrda, and it was very tiring and time consuming) and not-so-heartening insults of Fauran were simply too much to handle. Dheinach, or Urnyras Jael, as she was constantly and consistently referred to; realized how skilled Fauran was in Ùrda and dagger fighting. Him being skilled in many ways was not something new, but she just thought he was meant to be a skillful blacksmith - nothing else.
"Master," Urnyras Jael said one day, during a blademastery practice. "I do not understand. You have said we need time for meditating, but it has been over a week and we have never had the chance to be able to meditate!"
"You did," Fauran shrugged. "The times you are given to rest and to sleep also includes your time to meditate."
"But," said Shevach. "But it is only a couple of hours, and we hardly ever can rest our bodies! How can we meditate in such short time?"
"That is the trick, young one," said Fauran. "You have to learn how to fit many worlds into mere minutes, if you are to be one of us."
Shevach slowly nodded.
"The practice is now over," said Fauran. "I want you to gather at the main entrance to the Meditation Halls in fifteen minutes. There is a new occasion. A new arrival, more specifically."
"New initiate?" asked Urnyras Jael impatiently.
"Oh, maybe," winked Fauran. "Now go and change your clothes. We will be proceeding with the meditation lessons for the rest of the day."

...

Urnyras Jael was the first one to dress up and arrive at the Meditation Halls. The corridor leading towards the Halls was rather dark - there were some hung torches on the walls, but they were remarkably insufficient.
As she approached towards the huge, brown doors of the Halls, she saw Fauran with a young, hooded child. He was holding her shoulder, and both were constituting a rather disturbing, threatening image. A dark red corridor with weak torches, dark columns, a barely visible door and a man, holding the shoulder of a hooded, young female - presumably a fylla too.
Both were looking towards Urnyras Jael, as she approached. Shevach and Gea, shortly before she made it in front of them, ran and reached Urnyras. They stopped at a distance, peering at Fauran and the girl. They were doing the same. There was an awkward, brief duration where they just stared at each other. Urnyras Jael felt that it lasted more than an hour.
Fauran took a breath, than exhaled with a neutral sigh.
"Come in, all of you," he said calmly. "Let me introduce you your friend and colleague."
They entered the Halls, as Fauran slowly pushed the (apparently) heavy, brown-red doors. The halls were not any lighter or darker than the corridor. There were columns, torches on the columns and a weak, insufficient firelight that could barely light around itself.
There was a soothing, fresh yet heavy smell inside. They could see the smoke coming up from somewhere over at the other side of the Halls, but the floor was too dark to see the source of the smoke. Urnyras Jael started to feel relaxed and less tense as she inhaled more. She smiled. Then she wondered why she were smiling. She forgot the question shortly after, and she smiled again to that eventually.
She noticed Shevach and Gea were not any different, but Fauran and the girl looked rather sober. She felt a little dizzy, almost fell on the ground but kept her balance the very last second.
"Sit," commanded Fauran. He showed the comfortable-looking pillows around a small shrine, ornamented with candles and the lovely scent of incense, mixing with the other scent; making the Halls filled with freshness - just like a lush, endless, pine forest; under heavy snow. Fresh, white and free. Pure, wild and natural. Undisturbed.
The girls sat, peering at the hooded girl. Since they were sitting on the pillows on the ground, her hooded face was a little bit more visible. Urnyras Jael could see her red eyes, reflecting the closest torch light. It was like a cat's-eye, glowing. It was a chilly moment. Urnyras Jael realized she actually was a bit scared, but then came another realization - that her first realization took very long. She enjoyed it and started to smile again, eventually turning into a laughter she could barely prevent. She was feeling a bit dizzy, too.

...

"Meet your new friend, my young apprentices," said Fauran, gesturing at the girl. "She is from N'ya, just like you. She had to travel some weeks later than you did, because her father did not want anyone to notice."
"Why not?" asked Gea, rather dreamily.
"For reputation," he said. "Her father is the Bannerlord of N'ya, Krischnokh Ilinarth. I want you to welcome Eoria Ilinarth, your newest colleague and friend, my newest apprentice. The last member of this group."
The name "Eoria" echoed in Urnyras Jael's brain. She has never heard of this name - she even barely has heard of the Bannerlord of N'ya. She smiled. She liked the way it sounded, though. Eoria. Such a nice name, she thought.
"She is here on a secret request," he spoke. "Officially, she has left for Anuìn Barracks, for blademastery training. Krischnokh does not want anyone to know. You will not have anyone to tell this secret anyway, but even after your training is over, you will keep this secret."
Three girls nodded.
"Now, meet each other, you have an hour," said Fauran, starting to walk outside the room. "Then we will start our meditative training."
He left, slamming the doors behind him.

...

"Nice name, Eoria," said Urnyras Jael.
"Thank you," she said, still hooded. Her voice was monotone.
"Well, this place is very tiring, you know," said Shevach, itching her ear. "And I don't know what Fauran made us inhale again. You look sober though. Why are you still hooded?"
"I prefer it better this way," she said, just as cold.
"Come on, we are going to spend many years here together," Gea said. "You being cold and silent won't help you!"
"And?" Eoria said, turning at Gea.
Gea didn't reply.
Urnyras Jael observed the girl, without saying anything. She could sense a little insecurity in this girl, yet she could figure out Eoria was full of resolve and had a strong will. Eventually, still hooded, she sat on one of the pillows too. She did not speak.

...

An hour passed, with almost no talking. Sometimes Shevach and Gea whispered at each other, then looking on the ground, ocassionally smiling. Eoria was observing the three in silence.
Fauran came back, in his meditation robes. He walked slowly and lightly towards the apprentices. He sat on another pillow, peering at them.
"If you are ready," he said, "Let us begin."
Apprentices adjusted their positions and sat accordingly to the meditation techniques - folded legs, hangs on lap, eyes closed. Muscles comfortable.
"Clear your minds," he said slowly. "Now, Eoria, do as your friends do."
Eoria tried to imitate the sitting position, somehow succeeded. She closed her eyes, slowly unhooding herself.
"Clear any thought, good, bad, doesn't matter," Fauran said. "The most appropriate state of mind for relaxing is numbness and blankness. Let your eyes dive into darkness, let your mind flow into it. Let it all go, young ones. Let it all fade away."
As he spoke, Urnyras Jael realized that Fauran was somehow controlling her senses. She felt blank, she couldn't think of anything specific - many different ideas and thoughts were flowing, yet too fast to focus on. Eventually, not being able to focus one specific thing made her mind blank. She was floating within the dark caves of her mind. She felt cold.
It was darker than black.

...

"Welcome," said Fauran's voice. "To your subconscious."
She slowly opened her eyes. It was windy.
"Syera?" he peered down from the hill they were sitting atop.
Urnyras Jael did not move. She slowly nodded, her eyes fixated on the city's beautiful image under the sunset.
"Why?" Fauran asked.
"I don't know," she shook her head. Her eyes slowly shifted towards the Tower.
"It is a beautiful sight," Fauran said. "I have never been there recently. Once, when I was younger. That's all."
"It still is beautiful," she said. She smiled, but not because of happiness - it was, ironically, expressing a tragedy. "At least, I hope it still is."
"Do you miss me?" said a girl's voice.
"I did," she said. She had no idea why she said that, she wasn't even-
"You could've saved me, slight chance," she said. "You never tried."
"I couldn't. Go away," Urnyras Jael said. It felt more like she was locked inside her own body, not able to control what she's saying and doing. "You're dead."
Girl smiled. "Maybe. Or maybe not. Why don't you let me go, if I am dead?"
"I let you go," Urnyras Jael said. "Go."
"What?" she asked.
"I hereby let my beloved sister's soul go," Urnyras Jael said, realizing she started to cry. "For she deserves to rest in peace in the Forests of Ossax."
"Wh-"

...

"It is cold," Urnyras Jael said. "What is this place?"
"You can't know," Fauran shrugged. "Dramatic thing is, there is noone else that can know it. But you can't know it either. Thus, it can't be known."
"It is cold," repeated Urnyras Jael.
"No," said Fauran. "It is not."
"I don't want to die," Urnyras Jael said, not having any idea why she'd say something like that.
"You won't."
She saw Eoria. Hooded, just like she was a couple of minutes ago. Waiting at a distance. Stable. Not moving - not one bit.
She drew two cutlass from her hilts hanging on her belt. Urnyras Jael panicked, and turned towards Fauran - only to see that he was already gone. It was a lone, wild, cold and a scary mountain peak. Desolate. Desperate. Sad, filled with crooked pines. It was snowing. Softly, as if watching the snow in slow motion. Urnyras Jael closed her eyes.
Her hand felt the cold steel. She opened her eyes again.
"Come," she said. "Come, and face your demise."
Eoria hissed hearing that, and charged towards Urnyras Jael with an unexpected agility. Shortly after, they engaged in a duel.
Urnyras Jael blocked a swift off-hand attack with the greatsword she held in her hands. Eoria was very quick, and the sword was a bit heavy - it was definitely a challenge to parry her attacks.
"You are weak," said Eoria. "You deserve to die. Weaklings can't survive here."
"What is this place?" asked Urnyras Jael.
"Why do you care?" she hissed again, trying to slash her chest. "This is your tomb. That's all it matters."
'Furious,' Urnyras Jael thought, still in a defensive stance; blocking the agile attacks from Eoria. 'She is full of hatred.'
Eoria found a gap in her defense eventually, and opened a wound on her left arm. Urnyras Jael screamed, stepping back.
Eoria grinned.
"You are weak," she repeated. "Still a lot to learn."
"No," said Urnyras Jael. "I am not weak. I am afraid."
"That is weakness," Eoria said sagely. "Fear is a weakness."
"You are wrong. Weakness is not the fear, but the lack of ability to control it."
"Consequences are the same," shrugged Eoria. "Enough talking. Now it is time to die."
She launched another full attack on Urnyras Jael. Her attacks were reckless, swift and rather berserk, and as Urnyras Jael kept blocking the attacks, she observed her. She realized her left arm was rather weak. She blocked one final off-hand attack and went directly for a counter-attack to her left arm. She carefully turned her sword around, drawing a circle with her off-hand cutlass, and disarming it.
Eoria smirked, then letting a warcry, attacking again. Urnyras Jael held her ground, easily blocked the attack and disarmed the main-hand cutlass too - she held her greatsword to Eoria's throat.
Eoria froze.
"Let's assume fear is a weakness," Urnyras Jael said. "Hatred is more of it, in any case."

...

The scent of candles embraced her. She opened her eyes. She was at the Halls, sitting on the pillow. She gazed at others, who apparently opened their eyes as recently as she did. She peered at Eoria, just to see her peering back at her, surprised.
"It is enough for today," Fauran said, slowly standing up. "Now rest."
"But Master-" said Shevach.
"No questions," Fanrach said. "Rest."
And he left four extremely confused initiates at the Halls, sitting on their pillows.
The candles burned out, eventually. They left for their rooms.

15 Eylül 2010 Çarşamba

the tale of urnyras jael, part X: ghaow and solitude.

"Congratulations, Rudhor," said Urnyras Jael, somehow frowning.
"Thank you, my Lady," he said. "You well know I always did and will respect you as a senior."
"You are the Commander now," Urnyras shrugged. "I have done nothing to be respected. In fact, I have done disrespectful things that ended up in a demotion. Enjoy your position. I am under your command now." she bowed her head.
"Since I am now the Commander, I suppose I can appoint you as my Advisor, can I not?" he rubbed his beard.
"I suppose you can," Urnyras Jael said, she did not look or feel one bit enthusiastic.
"So it is done," he smiled. "I will do the paperwork. I think Eoria will not oppose that."
"She is opposing everything, nowadays," she grunted. "I'd not be over-confident. That would be my first advise to you, actually."
Rudhor smiled again.

...


The army, on its way, witnessed many massacres - the fall of Nin Rivien, the betrayal of Lystendalh and Umbrys.
Darcovìl forces were approaching Ghaow territory more and more every day, with a massive onthox army going by their side through the open plains. They were trying to keep a reasonable distance where they both will be safe from being spotted, and they will be able to launch an assault whenever they want. Eoria realized that the Empire armies were slower than the onthox, and the enemy was opening the distance.
By the time the onthox reached Rhen Valley, the Valley that eventually leads to the Inner Lakes where Ghaow is located in, the Empire Armies still had at least two days to make it near Rhen Valley. Pythe Teleane was aware that the distance was getting bigger and bigger everyday, so he assigned Darcovìl to slow down the onthox within the Valley until the Empire armies catch up.
"You should encourage Eoria to split," Urnyras Jael said to Rudhor, Fanrach was also with them. "I've heard that N'ya is planning to send in reinforcements to Ghaow and to us, but we cannot wait for reinforcements. We have to keep them busy before they reach Ghaow. Krischnokh trusts us."
"We will not fail, I believe," Rudhor said, with self-confidence.
Urnyras Jael turned to Fanrach. Her face expression was somehow a mixture of seriousness -and desperation.
"I do not want Eoria think that I am not up to that duty," Urnyras said, as if she was holding it for too long. "I do not want to disappoint N'ya City any further, and the trust they have granted us. We should take the woods and cut their path, even it causes our lives. Do you understand, Fanrach?"
"I do, my lady," Fanrach said.
"Rudhor," said Urnyras Jael. "Tell Eoria that she should immediately move her forces south as soon as possible. You should assemble your forces to track the enemy down. We will meet at Rhen Valley, southern cove; I think they will not be able to go any further. Eoria will not oppose to that idea."
"How do you know?" Rudhor raised an eyebrow.
"I know her," she said. "She will like it. This is what we should do. She is well aware of it."
"Fanrach," said Rudhor. "Tell Eoria I want an audience as soon as possible regarding that topic."
"As you wish, Commander," he said, leaving the tent.

...

Rudhor and Eoria agreed on the said topic, just like Urnyras Jael predicted. The forces were relocated and Eoria left for Rhen Valley immediately from the woods surrounding it, when Rudhor and Urnyras Jael led the forces further south, to establish a front base for the planned ambush. This way, they thought, they could establish an information bridge between Ghaow, Empire Armies and Darcovìl.
"I need you to sneak into Ghaow," said Rudhor to Urnyras Jael. "You, aside your previous Commander role, are one of the eldest of Intelligence Corps."
"As you command," Urnyras Jael nodded.
"See if you can talk to Ottho Droca and get information regarding their defenses," said Rudhor. "I will send Fanrach to the Empire Armies to measure the distance they have. Oh, and - Fanrach is relocated to the Ranger Division, by Eoria's request. Thought you'd want to know."
"When should I leave?" she asked, ignoring the news about Fanrach.
"Immediately," he replied. "Fetch one of the steeds from the stablemaster, it will be faster."
"Consider it done," she nodded. "I will be back in two days at most."
She did as she was told, she left the Valley, and reached Ghaow in half a day.

...

Ghaow. It is a beautiful city located on the northeastern coast of a lake, slightly bigger than the city itself. The townsfolk are mainly miners and merchants who travel south and east, but it also welcomes many of the merchants and traders at the region, since it is at the very road between Dwese and Orbh. You can come across any of the races present and loyal to the Empire: be it fylla, humans, kheronae or dwarves. Even some of the Empire-alligned siblion live there, yet too few.
Urnyras Jael asked an audience with Ottho Droca, who managed to turn the city into a stronghold in no time. The entire city was converted into militia with men, women, elders and even children. Everyone, but everyone was armed and ready to fight.
"Ottho Droca," said Urnyras Jael in Solian language, to the strong-looking, handsome yet anxious man. "It has been a while, has it not?"
"Indeed, Raven," he replied. "What news from North?"
"Nin Rivien fell, so did Fortosoweth," said Urnyras Jael. "Dwese is almost entirely ruined but the Empire still keep the city. Dytheria, we have no connection. I am here to return the news of your current conditions, the enemy will be here in no time. You will need to hold on to your lines until the reinforcements arrive."
"I will be frank, Jael," said Ottho, sighing. "I assume we will be crushed, because we were not expecting it to be that swift - eventhough we now are aware that Fortosoweth defense won us so much time. Without the immediate help of the Empire army, Ghaow will fall - in hours. Since it is summertime, most of our young have gone to work in Akaramedia. We cannot reach them, all the messengers we have sent seems to be somehow prevented. We will not be fighting to win. We will be fighting to achieve a glorious death, defending our homes. That is all we will cling onto."
"This pessimism and desperation will not grant you a glorious death, but a massacre," she said. "There is no glory in death - none. You should fight to win. You should believe in it."
"I am a war veteran, Jael, for a human at least," Ottho smiled. "I have been in many, many battles; been in many dire situations and saved my life and my collegues', but this is something else. Our intelligence report indicate that the army is almost as populated as Ghaow's winter population. This, in mind, also makes me consider the fact that the enemy is full of vengeance, hatred. They are trained well. Very well. You know it."
"I do, but-"
"Let Darcovìl know that we will be waiting for reinforcements, but we do not hope to get any," he interrupted. "There is nothing else I can tell you about it."
Urnyras did not say another word. She looked at Ottho, touched his shoulder and left the place shortly after.

...

When Urnyras Jael returned to Darcovìl Headquarters, Eoria was not pleased with what she had heard.
"That is not acceptable," said Eoria. "We are not letting them to perish, we can't! Ghaow can be protected. Empire army is slow and heavily armored, but we are trained for this very moment! We can cut their path, slow down and get more time for the army to reach Ghaow in time!"
"If you could have seen the city, you wouldn't be that hopeful," Urnyras Jael sighed. "Their defenses consist of almost only militia. There are a few local soldiers, but that is not even one sixth of the entire defence. No ranged infantry, no cavalry, no siege weapons, no nothing. If the Empire Army can't make it in time, I guess Ottho is quite right - they will perish in hours."
"Fanrach returned shortly, Urnyras," Rudhor said. "The Empire Armies are about half a day far from us. Considering that the onthox will reach Ghaow about the same time, if Ghaow manages to stand for a day, the King might help them."
"Impossible," said Urnyras Jael. "It is not easy to calculate their exact time of arrival, that can't go any further than an approximation. For the onthox, on the other hand - they do not rest, hardly eat and drink. They can make it there shorter, and the Empire Army can arrive here later."
"So, what do you offer?" asked Eoria.
"Nothing," Urnyras Jael shrugged. "Absolutely nothing. You know I will follow you. But I do not believe in it. It appears to me that both Ghaow and Darcovìl will be perished without the Empire. That's all I have to say."

...

When the onthox army arrived at the northern gates of Ghaow, it was rainy - just like many of the sieges they've had done on the Mainland. Their God, Zethor, is known as the God of Rain; and he used it for the good of its 'people', the onthox, thugs, Dytherian humans, Dol'sharen zealots; many, many more.
Darcovìl made it into Ghaow about the same time, shortly after the onthox arrived and the siege begun.
"Here we go," said Eoria, under the rain, to her rangers and assassins. "This is the day we will serve N'ya and the Empire with our steel and blood. This is the moment we will die for the sake of others to survive. This is not a speech to hearten you, my friends, but a speech of goodbye in case we do not survive."
"Fear not, for we are to be feared," she yelled. "Fight to the last man standing. We will not surrender, and will take a bunch of these rotten fleshbags with us to Hente! Attack!"

...

"A young girl, like you, should not meddle in those grown-up matters," Dyrun said. "Why would you worry about things like that?"
"Because I want to know," she said. "I want to know what will happen to me after I'm dead."
"But why?" Dyrun said. "You will have a long, beautiful and peaceful life; why would you want to know what happens after death? Are you scared?"
"No," she shook her head. "I am not scared. Not about my death."
"But whose?" Dyrun carrassed her hair.
"My loved ones," she frowned. "I don't want to see them die before me."
"You cannot prevent it, my girl," Dyrun said. "More or less, all of us will witness the death of our loved ones. Our friends. Comrades. We have to be strong."

...

She came to her senses with a dreadful mace smash she hardly (and instinctually) could block with her daggers over her chest, but she could not prevent it hitting anyway. She fell down. All the sounds came back to her, battlecries, cries of pain. Screaming. Agony was in the air. She looked above as the time slowed down drastically. She could see a gray-black sky, with smoke and shadow. She saw one huge onthox approaching her, with his huge mace hanging over his head, ready to smash her brain out.
That was, pretty much, the last scene she remembered.

...

She woke up to ash, smoke and the unbearable smell of burnt flesh. There were no voices. She've felt something very heavy on her body. She managed to look down. It was a body. A fyllian body, presumably a dead fyllian body. She slowly pushed it away, without looking at him. She realized that the onthox was somehow killed by him before he could even swing his mace. An unknown lifesaver, she thought. She kissed dead fylla's forehead. The face was entirely disfigured and smashed, and he was missing one arm and his legs, as if they were torn apart. The blood was almost dry.
She somehow felt something familiar about this fylla. She did not dare to think further, she was so sure it was a friend, at worst.
She tried to stand up on her feet, getting support from her left arm - when she tried it, she screamed in pain. Apparently now, she had a broken arm. She couldn't avoid two teardrops.
"Why?" she asked to herself.
She looked around for the first time. Ranger corpses, assassin corpses, onthox corpses and various body parts besides these - it resembled a butcher - a slaughterhouse for stable animals. The grass was not green anymore; it was a filthy mixture of red and black. It smelled so bad that Urnyras eventually felt dizzier. She realized that she had to go into the city to see if she could do anything.

...

The city was not there anymore, there wasn't one single standing building. She saw some Royal Empire soldiers from the distance and started to walk towards that direction, then she reached to a newly-made tent.
She stopped by half of the body of a young boy, the dreadful expression on his face, his small hands holding a shortsword even after death. There were thousands like him. Tens of thousands. After literally crawling for half an hour around the ruined streets of Ghaow, she saw two Royal Guards. She tried to talk, but she realized her voice was entirely gone now. She held her hand in front, her legs started to shake and she somehow managed to make a grunting sound. The guards realized her, immediately ran towards her and helped her up.
"Urnyras Jael, N'ya Intelligence Corps," she said to a guard. "I need m-medical.. assist-tance. I also need t-to update... t-the King.."

...

The next thing she has seen was the sight of the medicine tent's ceiling. Her arm was bandaged, her armor partially cut open, apparently for medics to mend the wounds. She lied still for sometime, then she slowly stood up.
Other than the fact she broke her arm, she was lucky to have the rest of her body in one piece. Remembering the scene back on the battlefield, she was so sure that she was among the luckiest. Maybe she was 'the luckiest'. She couldn't tell.
Resting after two days without even leaving the bed, the stench of the corpses eventually embraced the entire city. She had learned that the Empire Army somehow made it earlier to Ghaow then expected - but too little too late, apparently. By the time they arrived, the onthox had invaded more than half of the city, making their way to the other parts, slaying everyone mercilessly.
She got out of the medical facility. She still had a limp and a cracked bone on her right leg, she was leaning on a wooden stick to stroll around. She approached to four chattering footmen she saw by the rabbles of old town hall.
"I am looking for the King's marqueé," she asked to them weakly.
"Over there, behind the governor's residence," one of the footmen said, pointing towards another pile of wood, cement and iron.
She slowly left them, walking around the 'governor's residence' to reach the said tent. It was a big, crimson tent with serpent figures on it. She stopped in front of the entrance and gazed towards two Elite Royal Guards in front of it.
"I want audience with the King," she said.
"Who are you?" one of them asked, bluntly.
"Urnyras Jael, of N'yaian Intelligence Corps, I need to talk to the King," she repeated.
Royal Guards swiftly stepped aside for her to walk through.

...

Inside the tent, it was more crowded that Urnyras expected it to be. There was the King and four humans and a kheron around the round table inside. One of the men was talking in a fierce manner about what to do next.
"You know my stance, my King, I still support that we should immediately leave for Orbh City, for we have seen how slow we advance. We should at least send our cavalry first. Better than nothing. I also concur about a stronger intelligence web, now that we lack it; inevitably."
Pythe held his chin, peering at a blood-stained paper on the table thoughtfully. He did not respond.
"Quarlyn," said the kheron, with his deep voice and kherae accent, "I understand your emotional exhaustion, but even if we were a day faster that would not prevent a war here. You are aware of it. Splitting the army into sections and seperating them will not benefit us. I doubt Dytherian Army will attack to Orbh right away, before they devour all other smaller cities first. If only those rumors about a possible rebellion in Kith'lath come true, than we should decide to split the Army. Otherwise I will stick to my idea as well."
"These men died brutally," the man whose name was supposedly Quarlyn hammered the table with his fist. "Brutally! Like in Waesandra! L'isain, Iogard Yjes! All those cities suffered ultimate massacre until the last one died. Dwese was almost invaded. Lystendalh was purged down. Nin Rivien, needless to say, my liege, you witnessed it with your own eyes! Now Ghaow. Costed us a dear patriot, a hero; along with the entire city. The ones somehow surviving are cripples who are thought to be dead, or waiting to die in the medical facility. We don't even need a medical facility anymore, because we do not have any injured. Everyone dies. They only devour. They vanquish. We have to strike back instead of sticking to template military tactics. This won't work. We shouldn't be meddling here. Let us send the cavalries and rangers -Lyca'nae knows if we have any left- and let us move the infantry as fast as possible towards Orbh. That is the only way!"
"I will have to agree with Quarlyn, if you allow me, my King," said a mid-aged yet handsome knight. "I volunteer, along with my Knighthood, to take the lead of the army as a forward force. I suppose if we could merge your cavaliers with Lyrant Knighthood, we could proceed faster."
"Granted," said Pythe. "We should split the army then."
Everyone around the table bowed their heads once, before turning back to their conversation. Urnyras Jael kept watching the discussion silently, at the edge of the marqueé, near the entrance with patience.
"Krischnokh Ilinarth required a detailed report on the survivors of N'yaian forces," asked the kheron.
"I know," said Pythe. "So I've heard. Can you please check the reports if they are accurate, preferably now?" He pushed a paper towards the kheron.
"Let's see," he peered down to the reports. "Eoria Ilinarth managed to survive with twenty-five rangers of her own Division. Rudhor of the Intelligence Corps, dead. Hrm..." He started reading it silently. Urnyras Jael could not believe what she just heard - Rudhor? Dead? What about the leader of the Intelligence Corps now, what would happen to them without a leader at a time like this?
"Well, apparently there is no need for a leader for N'yaian Intelligence Corps anymore, my King," said the kheron, as if he has heard Urnyras Jael's thoughts. "Apparently there are no survivors. Only that female at the medical facility, what was her name, let me see-"
"Urnyras Jael," she said, revealing herself. "My name is Urnyras Jael."
Kheron folded the report and bowed his head in sorrow, as Urnyras Jael stepped forward.
"Noone survived?"
Kheron shook his head in sorrow. The pain he had could be read from his eyes, just like the sympathy he have felt towards her at that very moment.
"I understand." she headed back towards the entrance of the tent. Then, she felt a warm hand on her shoulder.
"Let's take a walk, shall we?" said Pythe, weakly smiling.

...

They walked slowly towards the burnt down Temple of Fire. Pythe aided Urnyras Jael while doing so, holding her waist and arm. Eventually, he helped sitting on a broken wooden bench.
"I miss Syera, my King," said Urnyras Jael, calmly. "The plains and shores of Syera. I miss them dearly, I do not want to be here. Forgive my weakness."
"I know you don't, Urnyras," said Pythe. "None of us want to battle. None of us want to die, or to kill. None of us want to be reputed as barbarians in the tomes of history. But we are fighting to survive. You are fighting to survive. Fanrach fought to survive, Urnyras. For you to survive, for his people. He is the one to save you from certain death, as long as I have been informed."
"I do not understand," she said.
"Witnesses," he said. "They have seen you collapsing, shortly before Fanrach blocking a certain death blow. He died protecting you. His body was found disfigured, his legs and left arm ripped apart."
"Was he-" she could say, before she looked up at the sky, letting the tears flow inside instead.
"I am sorry for your loss," he said. "He will be dearly missed."
"May the Demi-god grant us the victory, my King," she said. "Then their spirits may rest in peace."
"You are the only survivor of what your Corps had, Jael," he said. "Eoria left for N'ya to inform them of the fall of Ghaow and to alert them. She'll be happy to hear you are fine."
"I wish to be leaving soon, too," she said. "I can't linger."
"A free spirit like you," said Pythe. "Cannot be held captive in a ruined city. However, let us wait until your arm heals. But I have different plans for you, after you are healed."
"As you wish, my King," said Urnyras; directly looking at him.
"Thank yourself, my sweet Jael," said the King. "I was desperate, you see. We have lost Ottho Droca, we have lost many good patriots that day. You, among all these, returned to us. You are the living form of hope now."
Urnyras Jael managed to feel slightly better.
"You are Urnyras Jael, fyllian light," he said. "You are the tiny sparkle of hope arose from this rabble. You are the key to these chains in my sorrowful heart, everytime I look at my ruined Homeland. You give me freedom. You are my freedom."
He stopped for a while, kneeled in front of her and kissed her forehead, before leaving her alone to think.

14 Eylül 2010 Salı

the tale of urnyras jael, part IX: anywhere, everywhere, nowhere.

"Move, stretch your legs," he shouted towards the growling snowstorm, as they were climbing the narrow rampart within merciless nature of Lycanaus Mountains. They were all dressed thick, with fur coats and a huge backpack with them. It was Fauran, Urnyras Jael, and two other initiates called Gea and Shevach. Master Fauran was taking them away, to a place he called 'the Nest', a dojo, a hall of meditation, art and warfare built by the ancestors of the eila many centuries ago. Cut from the outer world, it was just the place for ultimate and absolute isolation for their training.
Yet, where it was placed was just as hard to reach as it would serve as the best spot for training when reached.
The snowstorm was getting stronger as they climbed up high. Urnyras Jael could feel the decreasing pressure in her ears, she had this urge to hold her nose and breathe out so she could keep it in balance. Her blood-red eye pupils were drying out everytime she dared to keep her eyes fully open. Her crimson hair was free in the snowstorm, just above her brown, fume colored thick coat, the contrast of colors was like a piece of art. Gea moaned after a while, but it was too low for Fauran to hear, or at least, it was low enough for Fauran to justifiably pretend that he did not hear it.

...

They eventually made it to a manor, built atop of some cliffs. The snowstorm was now preventing the entire vision for them to see the details of the architecture. Urnyras Jael could guess, before they approached to the Manor, that it was quite huge compared to the Manor the Intelligence Corps use as headquarters down back in N'ya. She sheltered her eyes, and followed Fauran towards the entrance of the building.
They walked and eventually stopped in front of a wall. Fauran observed the wall for a while, touched it, then slowly chanted a spell with his eyes closed. He kept his palm on the door and the initiates observed how his hand started to glow, and ultimately pushed a secret door which appeared from the wall. A white light drew the borders, along with a dagger strangled by a snake appearing in the middle of the door. He was pushing that very symbol.
They realized that door was opening towards a giant training ground, with a quite high ceiling and horizontal, rectangular windows at the very top of the sidewalls. There were fyllian inscriptions on the walls, a weaponry at the end of the room, an altar similar to what she had seen back at her initiation. There was nothing else, as far as Urnyras Jael could see, in the dark.
Fauran moved his hand towards the columns in the hall, and with his hand movement the candles on the columns started to light up one by one. When all candles were lid, the halls looked a bit more chilly, yet cozier and smaller. The ambiance was soothing, but ironically urging the one to be more aware, more awake. 'This,' Urnyras Jael thought, 'Would probably be the exact assassin training place I would imagine, if I was to imagine one.'
"Get yourselves ready," Fauran said, as he took off his thick fur coat. "Today will be our first lesson. Do not bother bringing your weapons with you. Meu will show you your rooms."
"Let'sh go," said a creepy, thin voice, out of nowhere. Presumably an eila, a male, with an apparent limp on his leg, and a terribly disfigured face, was looking at them; leaning on one of the nearby columns. He was wearing a torn, gray shirt and brown trousers, just as much torn as his shirt. "Followh mei."
The initiates followed him hesitantly. Urnyras Jael was a bit intimidated by the terribly ugly look of this man, but it wasn't long before she was ashamed of herself for being intimidated by the looks of a person. She was never such shallow.
"Sho, what are your namesh?" he asked, slowly looking back while walking towards a corridor at the end of the hall. The initiates told their names.
"Very well," he said, with a unique cheer in his voice. "It'sh been a whileh shince Master Fauranh brought inh new initiatesh. It'sh my pleasure to sherve you here. Anything you needh, you tell me. Okay?"
Initiates nodded.
"Perfecth!" he clapped his hands. "Here are you roomsh, you must be Urnyrash Jael, your room ish thish one, you girlsh are goingh to shtay together there, shince I guessh there will be one other initiate arriving later, who will share her room with Urnyras." he showed the rooms as he was talking.
After doing so, Meu left, with monotone, slow and limping footsteps on the wooden corridor.
"He was a bit scary, don't you think?" asked Gea.
"I guess," said Urnyras Jael. "I wonder what had happened to him."
"Meh, I hardly care," Shevach said, heading towards her room. "I wonder who will be coming as the fourth initiate." she got inside and closed the door.
"Yeah, why did not the last initiate come with us?" asked Gea.
"How am I supposed to know?" shrugged Urnyras Jael. "Probably because she's... special or something. I don't know. I don't care. I have to go now." then she headed for her room and closed the door calmly.

...

"I see anxiety within your souls," Fauran spoke in a remote corner of the hall. "If there is one thing I'd start your training with, young ones, that would be urging you to leave aside any feeling that is not certain. Anxiety, doubt, dilemmas of any sort, emotional complications - they are your arch enemies. An assassin cannot and shall not doubt. If you doubt, you die. It is a simple equation."

"A fylla, young ones, is born with many specialties. A fylla is strong, agile, perceptive, cold-blooded and a master of emotions; and when you merge all of these with a high level of sensation, you will realize that a fylla has everything there is to be a wise warrior. The trick is, not every fylla is born with the treat of revealing these powers and being aware. You, among your brethren, are the ones who might be able to that. And the art of war we will teach you is the ultimate way for a fylla to battle. We are not blunt footmen, we are assassins. We are shadow, we are fog, we are darkness. We are anywhere, everywhere and nowhere."

"Never forget where your allegiance lies within. First, it is to your people, the fylla; and the second, it is to the Empire. The unity, peace and serenity of the Solian Empire is one of our best interests. No matter how dire the situation might get, and no matter how dreadful the enemies you may encounter will be, never forget that. You will not doubt, you will build your own spiritual shields around you against deceit and manipulation. Your souls are strong enough for that."

"Without a doubt, it is apparent that this path you are now obliged to take is challenging. It will be tough. It will be painful. Most importantly, it will be long. It will be in solitude. Solitude, young ones, is one of the best mentors of an assassin. You will learn how to battle and survive in solitude, as well as you will be obliged to serve the cause as a team. You will master both. You will be a member of a team, even in the most desolate place, in the most remote point of the planet. However, this will not prevent you from being a part of the team, and you will know it. We will know it."

"Your training will be in five sections. One of them will be the Blademastery. Your weapon of focus will be daggers and shortswords, and you will learn how to use them."

"The second will be Ùrda, a technique only us fyllian assassins know; it can be defined as focusing your spiritual energy and converting it into different forms of material energy. Can be offensive, defensive, rejuvenative, reproductive or necromantic. Not many assassins know the limits of Ùrda, but every and each of them are obliged to know how to use it to a certain point. Never forget, however - Ùrda will not tolerate recklessness."

"The third one will be the Meditation. As an assassin, your usage of spiritual energy will tire you mentally, if not physically. Mastering the skill of Meditation will grant you the chance to regain your energy. Meditation is also used by several assassins and Masters for means of communication with distant colleagues."

"The fourth one will be Stealth. This is one of the two fundamentals of an assassin - subtlety. You have to learn how to remain hidden. This very training will grant you many secret powers. Only by this training you will learn how to turn into shadows."

"The fifth and the last training will be Politics. We, as you might have figured out, will not only turn you into skilled war artists, but also skilled diplomats and manipulators; for you will have times when you will have to act as intelligence gatherers. We are the Intelligence Corps of the N'yaian Army, so this might have given you an idea about what this is all about. You will learn disguise, different accents, different languages, different cultures, politics, diplomacy. A broad knowledge of history."

"Your training will be eternal. Slacking, tiredness and whining are not tolerated. Never forget; you are to be assassins. You are to shake the very foundations of this world. You are to protect what is rightfully yours from the evil. You are shadow. You are death and life. You are the cold breath at the necks of our enemies. You are the warm blood flowing down, and the ground that very blood falls onto. Now, rest, young ones. A long journey awaits you."

Urnyras Jael, Gea, and Shevach stood up, bowed their heads and went back to their rooms.

13 Eylül 2010 Pazartesi

the tale of urnyras jael, part VIII: obsession, blood and the fall.

She rubbed her neck.
"You seem worried," Fanrach said, eventhough he knew why. "Is there something wrong?"
Urnyras Jael did not reply.
It was very recent that she met that man, but she was already convinced that they somehow had a strong communication between them. He was extremely charming, good-looking and intelligent; a perfect soldier, an artist.
Urnyras Jael was not as strict as she would be towards this man anymore. He was more than an ordinary fylla, an ordinary soldier. She considered her situation to be pathetic, was she somehow falling for him?
She was amongst the people who thought nothing would and will last forever. She despised emotional commitment, for how she has seen where the ultimate commitment she had brought her to. She was avoiding revealing anything. Fanrach was a distant possibility.
Yet of course, she never revealed it. She never admitted it to herself.

...

That night was one of the nights after Pythe ordered Intelligence Corps to establish themselves back in Nin Rivien with the Ranger Division. Fanrach was off-duty, and Urnyras Jael eventually found herself with his company above the outpost. She took out a weed roll, properly making it ready.
"Is that Alaìs Weed? I'd recognize the smell from the depths of Lake Hente," Fanrach said.
Urnyras Jael lifted her head, peered at Fanrach for a few seconds, then smiled weakly.
"Yes, Alaìs," she approved. "Directly from the Northfields."
She finished rolling the paper. She lifted her finger and lit the weed, mumbling a chant*.
Time passed very quick.
...

She woke up in her tent, naked; with Fanrach lying next to her - naked. She was not fully sober yet, but she was more aware of herself and her surroundings. Waking up at the tent did not make sense at the beginning, but in a few seconds she remembered all: the moment she got high, the moment they walked back to the tent and the entire experience they have had, to the fullest; she remembered. It was beautiful. She smiled, just like a violet growing among gray-yellow barren grass. She realized that smiling was something her facial muscles did not perform for years now. She smiled bigger.
She lied down back, slowly reaching up for sleeping Fanrach. She slowly carrassed his hair. He moved, but did not wake up. Then she realized the marks he had on his body; the marks of war. Slashes, blade wounds, fence wounds, presumably arrow wounds and more blade wounds.
'He is either older than he looks,' she thought dreamily, 'or he is just too young with an old soul.'

...

Next couple of days were rather unexpectedly distant. She did not talk much to him and he did not seem to be so interested in talking with her. 'He is either aware of our formal hierarchy out of bed,' she thought, 'Or he is not interested in me at all.' The second possibility was a bit heartbreaking, but she was ready for both.
Nothing happened in the upcoming days, either in terms of privacy or battle. They were mobilized and moving fast, they were almost in Ghaow now. They stopped after a while, to meet up with the Ranger Division. Eoria found them shortly after they arrived at the region.
"Anything?" she asked to Urnyras Jael, with curious eyes. "What of the onthox movement?"
"Nothing happened," Urnyras Jael replied, in thoughts. "The onthox are moving slow, and there are no cities or towns in between for them to ruin on their way. Eventually they will be caught in front of Ghaow. I suspect the Empire Armies are a bit behind, though."
"I see you are a bit thoughtful," said Eoria, raising an eyebrow. "Is everything alright?"
"Oh, yes, a bit of tiredom," Urnyras Jael smiled. "Let me rest a bit and I will be much better."
Eoria was surprised to see Jael smiling.
"Well, fine," Eoria said, with a bit of a hesitation. "Go rest. There will be scouting mission tomorrow, I want you to lead it."
"Consider it done," said Urnyras Jael. "Now if you excuse me..."
Her mind was constantly on Fanrach now. Every minute passing, she was realizing how grand her feelings were becoming, and how her mind was flinched; how it was focused on him and him only. She felt utterly disturbed by this after a while, she was not used to it. She was not used to having her mind on something and not being able to change her object of focus. She was failing in it, probably for the first time in her life. As she was walking back to her newly-set tent, she saw him. He was waiting for her in front of the tent. He was expressionless.
"Good evening, my Lady," he said, bowing his head.
"Good evening, Fanrach," she replied, trying to keep her calm.
"Can we talk?" he asked.
"Sure, come inside," she smiled.
They got inside the tent. It was quite dark inside, with a bunch of almost burnt-out candles hanging from the wooden supports. Urnyras Jael dropped her daggers on the table, then she sat on the bed's edge and started watching Fanrach.
"We can't do this," Fanrach said straightforwardly. "I can't be this way. I can't let it happen."
"Can't do what?" said Urnyras Jael, somehow pretending to look and sound surprised.
"I am not the one you wish to be with," he said, rather desperately; with a soft tone. "I already have a mate, back home. I love him. I can't do this."
These words were as if someone was stabbing her. She stood up quickly, walked towards Fanrach and wanted to say something, but instead, she made a growling sound.
"How dare you!" she glared. "How dare you speak these words with me, with your Commander? Who do you think you are? Begone, or I swear to Gosto He'uch I will squeeze your body liquids out!"
Fanrach left, bowing his head.
Urnyras Jael could not stop crying for the rest of the day. She did not leave her tent.

...

She barely slept. She was up and ready for the scouting mission Eoria told her about by the dawn. She wiped away the last of her tears and got out of the tent. She was still furious. Still disappointed. Still hurt. That was making her less emotional than she normally is - and that was a drastic decrease. She felt like an ice block, impossible to break.
"Intelligence Corps to be ready in ten minutes," she ordered. "The ones to arrive at the grounds at eleventh minute will be punished."
Two of the privates, just because one of them was very sick and the other trying to help him, was a bit late; and they were both punished to a day-long duty mission in the frontier. Urnyras Jael prohibited medical care for the sick one.
"Are you insane?" said Eoria. "What the hell are you doing? What's gotten into you, woman, you are acting evil!"
"Do not interfere with my methods of establishing authority, Eoria," she said.
"Oh yes, I will!" Eoria smashed her hand on one of the trees nearby. "Whatever makes you furious, you better get a hold of it - or I swear to Gosto the relocation petition and the documents for your demotion will be on their way to N'ya, you better keep that in your bloody sick mind!"
"Fine," she said. "Whatever. Bring the sick one back. But the other one remains right where he is."
"You are pathetic," said Eoria, and left with fast steps back towards her tent. She stopped for a moment. "Oh, and," she said with her back turned to Urnyras Jael. "You better not kill your own men, that is just a scouting mission. Don't get too excited."

...

Fanrach was there. In her mind, always, all the time. She was fully grasped by the obsession of a desperate lover who cannot reach the loved one; she was suffering badly. She was leading a squad of ten men, including Fanrach himself. She sometimes gazed at him secretly, and could see the worried expression on his face. She could easily gut him. So easily.
"Assemble yourselves," said Urnyras Jael eventually. "Lieutenant, take the path over there, let's see if there is any movem-"
"Kakhnora!*" yelled someone within the woods, followed by an onthox ambush.
The battle was fierce. Out of ten men, only Urnyras Jael, Fanrach and a private named Gheas survived. The onthox were somehow repelled. They went back to camp shortly after, for the news of failure - and apparently an onthox presence about.
"How- what," said Eoria, trying to find the right questions. "You are a bloody assassin, a tracker, who is supposed to smell them from one thousand felios* away!" Eoria wasn't shouting anymore, she was roaring.
Urnyras Jael had nothing to say. She was not even focused on the task at hand, but at her lieutenant.
"It was unexpected," she said. "I know I could do better, but we did every-"
"Shut up," Eoria said, calmly. "Shut up. You are demoted. I cannot let you lead the most elite squad of N'ya with such a state of mind. You cannot even focus. I am not even sorry for doing that, I have to add."
"You can't-" said Urnyras Jael.
"I already did," said Eoria. "You do not talk, you do not let anyone help you, and most importantly - you do not let me help you out of whatever you are in. For the sake of our survival you can't be in a leading position anymore. Inform Rudhor Gamlach that he will be the Commander for Intelligence Division at least for a while. I'm done with this, Jael."
As he got out of Eoria's tent with almost unleashed tears in her eyes, Fanrach was watching her.